Three Drunk Guys

Testing

2007-02-01T09:04:00.001-05:00

Hold me... I'm scared

2006-12-08T13:35:00.000-05:00

Not since the great 0.9999999999999... = 1.0 debate have I been so confused... or scared.

So sad, but I can't stop laughing

2006-12-07T11:28:00.000-05:00

I have to go Pii

2006-12-01T11:20:00.000-05:00

Is it wrong that I want a Wii for the sole purpose of playing the Legend of Zelda?

We still have a blog?

2006-11-17T10:23:00.000-05:00

I really don't want to work today. I REALLY do not want to work. I'm avoiding work at all costs. I mean... I'm avoiding working so much that I actually thought to myself - "Hey, self... I think I'll make a blog post". I know... I've hit rock bottom. Again.

My adventure got off to a bad start when I couldn't remember my Blogger user name. Then it occured to me - I haven't made a blog entry in over two months. That's especially bad when you consider the fact that I used to make about 25 a day. Each one better than the last, ofcourse. The best part about this blog is that it never went downhill.

Speaking of this blog never going downhill, has anyone seen any good YouTube videos lately?

The last blog entry that was made on this blog which wasn't just a video or picture was made on the 6th of September. It was two paragraphs about how my fish died. I still miss that fish. The loss of Natalie Portman has left a void in my life which may never be filled. The empty fish tank is a constant reminder which I constantly remember every week or so when I notice the tank doesn't have water in it anymore..... constantly speaking.........

The last real good blog posts were my rant about Alice in Chains (Aug 24th) and Billy Bob's letter he received from God (Aug 19th). And let's face it... those weren't that good.

Infact, you might even say that the only way this blog could be worse is if someone invented a program which takes any webpage and converts its text into street-talkin' jive. I realize you're probably all thinking to yourselves, "Fo' shizzle tha hizzy would be outstandingly spectacular". Let's say, hypothetically, they called it Gizoogle. Now, take my classic blog post, What's the deal with Mustard, and cool-ify it.

What the fuck is a "Hizzy" anyways? According to the Urban Dictionary it means "place of residence". Silly me, I've been calling it a house all this time. Boy is my face red...

Has anyone purchased the most current Fifty Cents compact disk recently?

Back to the point at hand. This blog hasn't only been going downhill because of it's lack of ebonic slang (I ain't playin' nigga) or the fact that it fell of the face of the earth. Well, the inter-earth at least. It's not the blog's lack of content, it's its content that makes it terrible. It because of shit-post for movies. I'll be the first to admit that the movies were hilarious, but you know what else is hilarious - YouTube. For some reason, people just weren't hearding to 3DG in the same numbers they were hearding to YouTube. For some unexplained reason, Google didn't pay us 1.65 Billion dollars for the rights to our blog. I know... I was shocked too. They didn't even make us an offer. Not only that, I offered them everything I own if they would just take it from us and all they did was tell me to stop contacting them filed a restraining order. I must stay at least 1km away from Google at all times.

Back when this blog was in it's prime (yes... we did have a prime) we were actually successful. Not many people know, but we were #71 on the Top 100 Comedy Blogs on the internet for a brief period of time. We were on top of the world. All the money and power three drunk people could ever want at our disposal. We were business masterminds, selling and trading people like Nike. Then, for some reason, the fans just stopped coming. How are we supposed to compete with The Magic Bullet Blog? Personally, I blame the economy.

Other people say the fans stopped coming because the fans never actually came in the first place. Each their own, I suppose.

Can we turn this blog around? Probably not. It's too far removed from reality. Would we turn it around even if we wanted to? Fuck no!!! Blogging is so early 2006. That's, like, so April. Totally... you know.

I think the root of the problem was the combination of the two master blogs. Stevie P's Blog and Balsom's Blog, on their own, were beautiful things. Add Jeff into the equation and disaster ensues. This simple algebra. Try to keep up.

Jeff + anything = bad
anything = good + bad
Therefore - Jeff = bad

I think the moral of the story is that Jeff is bad and the cause of everything that has ever gone wrong with stuff.

Bananas, proof that God exists

2006-11-08T10:40:00.000-05:00


The design of a banana proves that God exists and designed bananas.

NES Quiz

2006-10-12T13:57:00.000-04:00

We still have a blog?!?!?!

Unnessary Censorship

2006-10-03T10:48:00.000-04:00

Shining

2006-09-26T13:59:00.000-04:00

Has anyone seen this Shining movie? I thought I've seen all of Jack Nicholson's movies, but this one looks really good!

It's a feel good movie about a struggling writer who learns the true meaning of being a father. I don't know, it looks pretty formulaic, but I think I'll check it out. It is Jack, after all.

This just in: Lord of the Rings sucks ass!!!

2006-09-14T12:38:00.001-04:00

This just in: Lord of the Rings sucks ass!!!

2006-09-14T12:38:00.000-04:00

Killer biscuit wanted for attempted murder

2006-09-13T17:38:00.000-04:00

It's a fact

2006-09-06T22:25:00.000-04:00

Terrible News:

2006-09-06T21:58:00.000-04:00

R.I.P. Natalie Portman.

Natalie, oh Natalie. You will be missed. The gaping hole your absense will leave in me can never be filled. You lived about 957 times longer than any other fish I've known, and were compensated with fish food. You even out-lived your lovely beautiful children, Luke and Princess Leia. Natalie Portman is survived by her best friend in the world, Tanga.

Speaking of Tanga, I was at Jeff's apartment the other day (or as I like to call it, The United Nations). I was talking down the hall and this Chinese guy was eyein' Tanga. His mouth was watering and he was licking his lips. It was quite disturbing.

I don't know why he got so excited, Tanga would make an terrible egg roll.

The End of the World

2006-08-30T09:26:00.000-04:00

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php

Thought of the day:

2006-08-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

Why is it that professional athletes can have their numbers retired, yet people are still allowed to name their child Jesus?

Shouldn't that name be retired and a banner be hung up high in the rafters?

The Simpsons - Unplugged

2006-08-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

The Simpsons

2006-08-25T12:15:00.000-04:00

Alice out of Chains

2006-08-24T13:41:00.000-04:00

I picked up the latest Guitar Legends magazine because I'm a huge dork. I really enjoyed the one a couple months ago on Nirvana. This one was on Pearl Jam, so needless to say it peeked my interest. While reading I learned a lot about Pearl Jam and Chris Cornell and learned about this band I had never known existed before, Mad Season.

By "band" I mean: They put out one album.

Mad Season consists Mike McCready (Pearl Jam's guitarist), Layne Staley (Alice in Chain's singer), the drummer from the Screaming Trees and some guy that Mike McCready met in drug rehab on bass. I downloaded the album and was so impressed I almost went out and bought it. Phenominal.

Then I went to listen to my old Alice in Chains CDs. Much to my surprise, the only cases that still had CDs in them were Dirt and Unplugged. And Unplugged skips something awful!!! The other cases are all empty. That's no good for business. So I downloaded the Alice in the Chains discography. Phenominal.

So I listened to Alice in Chains all yesterday evening. It was glorious. I got to work this morning, and after successfully avoiding work for a few hours, I decided to continue avoid doing work. Much like I'm doing right now.

Can you still call it "work" if you're not "working"?

So I found Alice in Chains' official website, which is cleverly titled aliceinchains.com. To my surprise, one of the first banners says, "Alice in Chains on tour"............

Alice in Chains on tour? I'm no biologist, but isn't that highly unlikely?

For those of you who don't know, Layne Staley, Alice in Chain's lead singer, died on April 5th, 2002. He died the same day as Kurt Cobain, just eight years after. He died much the same as how he lived his life: A mixture of heroin and cocaine.

But back to the issue at hand - Alice in Chains is touring. I have an issue with bands that lose a key member and begin a "How am I going to afford to pay the prostitutes without this band" World Tour. The INXS's. The Gun n' Roses'. It's not like we're talking about an expendable bassist or a replacable drummer here. We're talking about the lead singer. It would have been similar to the Beatles reuniting after Lennon was shot. I'm not comparing was Alice in Chains did to what the Beatles did. I'm just saying it would be similar.

It would be like Dave Groll and Krist Novoselic taking Pat Smears on tour to sing and calling it Nirvana.

Look at Led Zeppelin. Led Zeppelin broke up in 1980 after their drummer, John Bonham, drank himself retarded and choked on his own vomit. Their drummer!!! John Bonham was a really good drummer, but they could have got a lot of people to play for them. It's not like it was the voice of the band. Last time I checked Robert Plant was still putting out solo albums and trashing hotel rooms.

To their credit, Alice in Chains were approached by the producers of Rock Star for their second season, but declined the offer. They got some guy named William DuVall to be Layne Staley II. Apparently he toured with Jerry Cantrell when he did his solo thing.

So, starting September 22nd, Alice in Chains is beginning it's North American tour. On their website, they said, "It's kind of a tribute to Layne and our fans, the people who love these songs. It's not some 'I'm broke and I need the money' situation. We love playing together."

Yeah... I'm sure they're not in it for the money. Since Layne Staley's death, Alice in Chains has released as many compilation albums as they had full length studio albums. The most recent release, "Alice in Chains: Greatest Hits" (released 2001), has ten songs. All ten songs appear on the 1999 compilation, Nothing Safe, which has 15 songs.

Not only that, but they have yet another compilation album, The Essential Alice in Chains, being released September 5th, 2006. Don't worry - this 28 song, two disc album contains the same ten songs as Greatest Hits, Nothing Safe and their box set, Music Bank. At least Music Bank had some previously unreleased material on it.

Did I mention there was a live album too? A band shouldn't release more albums after it's dead than when it was alive. We're not talking about Tupac here.

The endless line of compilation albums makes it seem like they're only in it for the money. Alice in Chains was an incredible band, but it's over. Give it up. No one wants to see Alice in Chains without Layne Staley. You should have invested your money better.

Anyways... Anyone want to go see Alice in Chains play Kool Haus in Toronto with me November 5th?

Car A/C

2006-08-21T13:56:00.000-04:00

Message from God

2006-08-19T12:39:00.000-04:00

I received an email from God today, and of course, as His prophet, it's time to start writing the Gospel according to Billy Bob.

From: god@www.heaven.com
To: accounting@balsom.net
Subject: Re: Re:
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 08:46:46

was a distinct pleasure, and if you stood my back to the could to ignore them. They waited grimly until the guard

unfocused and I realized there was some truth in the Hes here!

who is better qualified to catch a thief than another artist to her fingertips and waited just long enough for

latched onto it and wheeled it inside. As it went by the hallucinations. I hoped. Nowhere in the texts I studied Waiting has always been bad for my nerves. I am a thinker

Never Take Drugs on The Price is Right

2006-08-17T08:57:00.000-04:00

You're the first contestant's on the Price is Right

2006-08-17T08:52:00.000-04:00

Did I just hear that correctly?

2006-08-16T12:43:00.000-04:00

I know how much everyone out there loves The Hip. Be pacient. Wait until the interlude and listen to the original lyrics to Ahead by a Century. I can't understand why they were ever changed.

Someone oughta wash Gordie's mouth out with soap.

Terrorist Alert

2006-08-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

August 31, 2006

Following the recent terror threat in Tokyo, all electronic devices are no long permitted on board flights to the US. This includes laptops, personal music players, portable movie players, cell phones, and digital watches. Personal television and computers will be available to be rented for $29.99/hour.

November 1, 2006

In light of the recent terror threat discovered in Jamaica, where terrorists have found a way to embed explosives into the fabric of their clothing, travellers will no longer be permitted to wear their own clothes on board the plane. Passengers wishing to wear clothing may purchase a specially designed airplane gown for $99.99.

March 23, 2007

After an FBI investigation turned up a ring of counterfit airplane gown, the FAA has declared that no clothing of any kind can be worn on planes.

September 1, 2007

A recent investigation by Scotland Yard has found terrorists implanting explosive devices into their hair folicles. As a result, all air travellers must first have their entire bodies shaved by airport security. Travellers are advised to report to the airport twelve hours prior to departure in order to avoid delays. A $199.99 barber surcharge will be added to the cost of all flights.

December 13, 2008

Investigators in Australia discovered several explosive devices implanted into the aircraft seats. As a result, aircraft will no longer come equipped with seats. Passengers will be required to be strapped to the floor. A seat removal surcharge of $25 per flight will be charged on all flights.

May 7, 2009

In order to recoup the losses experienced by the airport industry over recent years, Transport Canada has authorized the requirements that all passengers remain standing during flight in order to accommodate more passenger. The seat removal surcharge will be reduced to $19 per flight.

August 12, 2009

The recent terror plot that revealed individuals implanting explosive devices into their thumbs. As a result, all air passengers will be required to remove their thumbs. Airlines will be offering this service for $500 per thumb.

August 15, 2010

In addition to the August 12, 2009 bulletin, airlines will now require all fingers and toes to be removed before flying. In order to keep the costs reasonable, the thumb removal fee will be waived for individuals who have already had their digits removed.

June 11, 2011

With the recent revelation that terrorists can cause their bodies to explode be "wishing really really hard," all passengers will be put into a state of cryogenic sleep for all flights. A cryogenic sleep surcharge of $1999 will be in effect to cover the costs of this ground breaking technology. Passengers are required to check in no less than three weeks prior to departure in order to prepare for cryogenic sleep.

February 15, 2012

Homeland Security, having thwarted an attempt by terrorists to implant exploding DNA into children has resulted in all persons born prior to 2010 to travel in specially designed, blast resistant kennels. A $19.99 kennel rental fee will be required of all passengers.

April 20, 2015

Due to recent advances in gene therapy, passengers will no longer be allowed to fly on airplanes. Effective immediately, all passengers will have their consciousness' downloaded and stored on hard drives on the airplane, and will be uploaded to host bodies upon arrival at their destination. A $10,000 host rental surcharge will be charged to all passengers. Travellers are required to check in eighteen months prior to departure in order to prepare for brain scan.

December 1, 2018

Tragedy struck today as all passengers on board Flight 1221 from London to New York were lost in the first terrorist attack in more than a decade. According to investigators, all souls were lost when a terrorist, posing as a pilot, threw a fridge magnet onto the plane, wiping out all the hard drives, and killing over 100,000 individuals.

January 1, 2020

Due to the terrorist threat facing the world, the International Anti-Terrorist Coalition (IATC) declared that all air flight will be halted.

April 1, 2020

following the publication of special security measures by the IATC, all liquids and gels including canned and bottled beverages, shampoo, suntan lotion, cosmetic creams, toothpaste, hair gel, and other similar consistency are prohibited in all public areas, including malls, sport arenas, stores, parks, buildings, and streets.

Balancing Point

2006-08-11T14:20:00.000-04:00

This is the coolest thing you'll see today (unless, of course, you see me).

War in the Mid East = debacle

2006-08-11T13:46:00.000-04:00

Israeli Tourism is Savaged by War

"Nobody is feeling the effects of the debacle more acutely than El Al Israel Airlines"

Ok, there's a couple of things that seem wrong about this...

First of all, calling the conflict between Israel and Lebanon a "debacle" might be just a little bit trite. I mean, a debacle is when you lose a softball game 20-0 in three innings, or when you and a bunch of buddies accidentally kill a hooker in Las Vegas... When the sky is raining down bombs, I think I would tend to use language like crisis, conflict, or apocalypse.

Second, I find it hard to believe that an airline carrier is suffering more than anyone else in Israel. Call me crazy, but maybe, just maybe, a poor farmer who got blown up by an errant bomb or a soldier who got shot in the throat while on a raid in Lebanon might be feeling the effects just a little more "acutely."

But hey, what do I know?

"Preliminary figures show that tourist arrivals were down by 30% in the first two weeks of the fighting,"

While I'm at it, I'm kind of suprised that tourism is only down 30%. I'd say all things considering, that's not too bad. After all, being surrounded by a sub-continent full of countries that want to wipe you from the face of the planet might not be highlighted in your tourism pamphlet. Given the choice, I think I would book a tour of Purina's dog food factory before I'd book a flight to Tel Aviv...

But hey, what do I know?

Puppy Update

2006-08-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

Juno and Tanga are fucking animals.

That's all I can say.

Don't get me wrong, it's awesome having them both, since they keep each other occupied.

In any case, here's what I've learned that Tanga has thirteen moods: Sleepy, Asleep, Waking, Drowsy, Lazy, Lethargic, Stretchy, Listless, Yawny, Slumberous, Dozy, Drowsy, and of course, Playful.

Juno, on the other hand, has two moods: Asleep, and Crazy.

Last night, after spending some good playtime with the two animals, I could tell Juno was tired. She was a trooper, and didn't want to give up on any of her play time. I was throwing the tennis ball down the hall, and of course, Tanga would run after like a locomotive (and then slide head first into the door at a good 30 mph). Juno, who's not as fast Tanga persisted, and about the fourth or fifth time I threw the ball down, Juno actually fell asleep in the middle of a trot down the hall.

This does not bode well for the future of my dog. She was running, and then all of a sudden, as if she had narcolepsy, she just collapsed. Her hind legs kept going, but her front paws and head were asleep. I went over to check on her after her little motorboating leggs finally cut out, and was suprised find that she was actually asleep.

No cool-down period... No finding a place to go... Nope, just on or off.

So I went to get a drink, and as I passed by her on the way back, she woke up, and there went again... Full tilt running around like a drunken midget on speed.

Good times.

Cut sceen from The Wizard of Oz

2006-08-02T08:53:00.000-04:00

Shouldn't it be called a drive-by Window?

2006-07-27T12:14:00.000-04:00

I went through the Tim Hortons drive-thru this morning. Actually, it was yesterday morning, but I was too busy at work yesterday to post this. It works better if I say it happened this morning. If I say it happened yesterday the post may lose interest and start dragging.

So I'm going through the drive-thru this morning and I get to the window. The box that the voice comes out of says to me, "Can I take your order?"

Can you take my order? Aren't you forgetting a step? What happened to "Welcome to Tim Hortons. Can I take your order"? How am I supposed to know where I am? What if I pulled into the wrong drive-thru? What if I ordered a McGriddle? Boy, would her face be red........

So I figured out where I was, and rhymed off the line that I could say in my sleep. "Mornin'. Can I have a large coffee with one cream please?" The box quickly replied, "No problem. One double double. Will that be everything for today?"

Did I stutter?

Even if I had a few socks shoved in my mouth and was beaten over the head repeatedly with a sac full of door knobs, "coffee with one cream" CAN NOT sound like "double double". It's impossible. Language just doesn't work that way.

I politely said, "No. I said one large coffee with one cream". She quickly replied, "Okay. One double double and one coffee with one cream. Will that be everything for today?"

My head hurts.

I calmly explained to her that I did NOT want a double double and that I only wanted one large coffee with one cream. She understood. Yes, that will be all for today. Thank you.

I find it's best not to think of Tim Hortons employees as real people. It's best to think of them as inanimate objects. It's best to think of them as a box that a voice comes out of and a cash register that a voice and coffee comes out of. However, it's another story if you actually decide to go into the Tim Hortons. If you ever get the urge to venture into the Time Hortons... Don't!!! Just don't! Unless you're ordering a sandwich, of course.

So I pull up to the cash register that a voice and coffee comes out of, give it my money and it gives me my coffee. Thank you. Have a nice day. Transaction complete.

I then went to work and enjoyed my relaxing time before my work opens. This is quite possibly my favorite time of the day. It's relaxing. I quietly sat at my computer and listened to music while sipping on my double double.........

Why does no one want my special sauce surprise?

2006-07-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking about becoming a professional chef.

I made this meal a little while ago. I called it "Everything that was in my kitchen at the time plus it could have used some mushrooms". I just threw a bunch of shit that I thought would go well together in a pan and cooked it. It was good. The secret ingredient was love.

The other day I thought I would try to duplicate this recipe. Since I didn't write down any ingredients or quantities, I was going to have to wing it again. I added some mushrooms, some green peppers and a few more things that I found in my kitchen. This time around, it was more like a recipe than a bunch of ingredients thrown together. It was zingy and spicy, yet creamy and mild. I thought it finally deserved a proper name.

I decided to call it "Steve's creamy special sauce chicken pasta surprise". I brought it in my lunch today and told the guys about it. I offered them some. Everyone agreed that no one is going to want to eat a meal with the words "Steve's", "Creamy" and "Special Sauce" in the title. Infact, it was also agreed that "Diarrhea Casserole" is a more appealing name. My friends are nice!

No one would eat it. They didn't even find out what the surprise was.

Vacation update.

2006-07-26T20:22:00.000-04:00

So I bet a bunch of you are probably asking, "Billy Bob, where's the obnoxiously frequent vacation updates you promised?"

Well, now that my puppy is deathly afraid of my room, I should be able to give you some updates.

Here's some quick and dirty updates:

Camping

We went camping. It was a rip roaring good time. We got several warnings by the same 13 year-old-on-a-power-trip park ranger. Pictures can be found here.

Puppy

Got my puppy. Her name is Juno, and she's an 8 1/2 week old beagle with an attitude. It should be fun. The good news is that she came house trained, and despite some accidents overnight, I'm confident she'll be no problem.

WKRP

I've gotten through only seven episodes of WKRP because I don't want to leave my puppy alone. Although I do have some great posts coming on the greatness of Dr. Johnny Fever, the incredible hotness of Bailey Quarters, and why tossing turkeys from a helicopter can only lead to hilarity.

Doc Jigawatts Poster

JASON!!! POSTER!!!

Without a doubt, there will be more tomorrow. Or whatever.

It's sexual and violent

2006-07-26T19:22:00.000-04:00

If someone came up to me and asked me about our camping trip, I would respond with this 19 second video clip. It pretty much sums the weekend up.

Human Space Invaders Recreation

2006-07-25T21:01:00.000-04:00

Smart man

2006-07-25T15:40:00.000-04:00

Pug Bowling

2006-07-24T09:36:00.000-04:00

Update: Brokeback Jeff

2006-07-24T09:18:00.000-04:00

Since Brokeback quit the blog he's resumed his previous hobby - killing cute, innocent kittens. He hates everything...

Day One Update

2006-07-20T15:54:00.000-04:00

It seems to me that there are a number of people who are somewhat happy that I'm currently on holidays, and they're not. Perhaps happy isn't the right word. Perhaps jealous, of hateful, or violent would be more appropriate. I can deal with that, because well, I'm on vacation, and you're not, so suck it.

Anyway, just thought I'd update you all on my day.

Woke up.

Peed.

Walked around a little bit.

Yawned.

Ate.

Had a nap.

Peed again.

Another nap.

Ate some more.

Another nap.

Peed.

Napped.

Hmmm... I wonder how my life is going to change when I get my puppy?

WKRP in Cincinnati

2006-07-20T09:03:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you a little about WKRP in Cincinnati. It was a show in the early 80's about a struggling rock 'n roll radio station trying to survive despite the best efforts of it's quirky employees. And there were a lot of them. I have a feeling in the next few weeks, I'll have a lot to say about each and every one of them.

How am I watching WKRP, you ask? Well, I managed to download the first two seasons. These are extremely low quality, and it kind of hurts my heart to watch them, but nonetheless, the shows are absolutely hilarious. One of the funniest shows of the time, if you ask me.

"Gee Billy Bob," you may ask, "are you that cheap that you can't go out and buy the DVD's?" That's a good question, Timmy. The fact is, I would buy the DVD. I mean, I have Quantum Leap and MacGyver, why the hell wouldn't I buy WKRP? I'll tell you why... IT'S NOT OUT ON DVD. That's right. The fourth season of Alf was just released on DVD, but WKRP goes unloved... Something about licensing fees for the music that is in the show (and there's a lot of it) so in the meantime, I'm forced to watch shitty quality shows... I know, I'm leading a rough life... How's everyone's work day going?

Billy Bob's Vacation - Day 1: 8:55 AM

2006-07-20T08:59:00.000-04:00

Well, my vacation has now officially started, as can be seen by anyone carefully watching the countdown timer. Oh, and the banner changed.

What have I done so far? Well, I made the fucking banner... That's all. This vacation is off to a wonderful start.

Next on the agenda: WKRP in Cincinnati.

First name: Mr. Middle name: Period. Last name: T

2006-07-18T10:52:00.000-04:00

Virtual Bubble Wrap

2006-07-18T09:57:00.000-04:00

Why is this so satisfying?

Huh?

2006-07-17T20:32:00.000-04:00

Slow down egghead... we still have a blog???

Not only do we still have a blog, but people still write in this blog? Not only THAT, but there was a serious post that discussed serious things that are presently happening in the real world???

When the fuck did this happen?

Why the fuck haven't I written in this blog for a couple weeks?

What the fuck is a Lebanon?

I'm not sure if I'm a big fan of this. On one side, my name is associated with something which could be considered enlightening and informative. On the other hand, no one is going to believe the fact that my name is associated with something which could be considered enlightening and informative. Some people believe in Bigfoot and the Lockness Monster and elves and eskimos, but who's gonna buy that one?

And that's up with Brokeback retiring? Where does he get off? Here's an impression for you, "Hi. My name's Jeff. Look at me, I think I can choose what I want to do with my spare time." Think again Fuckchops! You're retiring as soon as this blog is directly responsible for world peace. Read your contract again some time.

I'm not going to lie to you, the thought of retiring crossed my mind. The only difference is that I would, you know, actually be allowed to retire if I wanted to. The reason I didn't is because I knew that eventually there would be something that i really wanted to bitch about. Something that made my blood boil at 21 degrees Centigrade, like turtleneck wearin' gay swimmers. Or something that touched me so deeply that I had to sit down and have a calm, rational, educated discussion about it. Or maybe I'd just want to bitch about the blog.

The point is Jeff can't retire. The point is Billy Bob can't be making wordy smart posts that made me refer to my Collins Pocket Reference English Dictionary - Canadian Edition (Portable, Compact, Authoritative. Ideal for home, school, office). That's so...... mean. (See, I can make you use a dictionary too). Both of these things contradict what 3DG stands for. Michael, is stands for getting/being drunk and laughing and being stupid and stealing movies from Google Video. And Jeff, how could we have 3DG with 2? I'm no fancy mathematician or a fancy, big-shot lawyer or someone that can at least mention something relevant to maintain the flow of a conversation. My ass it sweaty...

Some of you may be thinking: How can Steve, who hasn't posted on this blog in almost two weeks, come along and judge everything that's happened while he had forgotten that said blog even existed? I'll tell you why........ Because mind your own business. That's why.

PS: Michael, I really liked that post.

PPS: Jeff, I really hope you never post again. Every post you've ever made has just made me increasingly furious towards life in general. You are a stupid, stupid little boy.

Billy Bob's Vacation

2006-07-17T13:48:00.000-04:00

In exactly 45 hours, 13 minutes, and 22 seconds or so, yours truly, Billy Bob, will be on vacation.

Mama always said that vacation's when you go somewhere, and you don't ever come back.

That sounds pretty awful, so I'm going to use 3dg's precise definition of vacation, which is something along the lines of:

When you go get drunk and do fuck all for a few weeks, or you know, whatever.

In any case, in just a couple scant days, I will be beginning my much deserved vacation.

So you may ask, "So Billy Bob, what are you going to do with your time off? Are you going to explore the ancient city buried deep beneath Antarctica? Are you going to broker a peace deal between Israel and Lebanon? Are you going to discover an endless, clean, easy source of energy?

Alas, no. Given my ever so short time away from work, I'm going to do many things, each of which much much more productive than wasting my time trying to better mankind.

So, what am I going to do, you ask? Well, here's what I have planned so far (in no particular order)

- Go camping and go on adventures with Brokebackette to meet white trash.
- Hound Jason endlessly until he finally gets fed up and creates the Doc Jigawatts poster he promised us.
- Purchase and train a puppy to carry out my plans for world domination, or at least, you know, so that it doesn't shit in the house.
- Watch the entire series of WKRP in Cincinnati.
- Learn to rollerblade.
- Kick a whole lot of terrorist ass in 24: The Game.
- Use my puppy to meet chicks.
- Find an authentic, maritime donair in Ottawa.
- Heal the scars and bruises that will inevitably be left once I once again try to learn to rollerblade.
- Drink. A lot.
- Blog the entire debacle.

That's right, I'm going to live(ish)blog my vacation... While you are all painfully toiling away at work, I'll be living the dream. Living the dream. So stay tuned sometime in the next couple of days, when I take over this blog, and it actually becomes worth reading.

Oh, and if you have any ideas of things I can do during my vacation, please, pass them on. I'll pretend to consider them before ridiculing and mocking you.

URGENT: BROKEBACK IS NOT QUITTING

2006-07-17T13:11:00.000-04:00

Well now, isn't that quaint. Lil Brokeback Jeff thinks he can just up and quit this blog. Well Brokeback, think again.

Just like the two gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain, it's as impossible for you to quit 3dg as it is for that gay cowboy to quit that other gay cowboy (What the hell? Two gay cowboys! Now yer jus talkin crazy!)

The scene plays out something like this:

***

[CUE THE MUZZZAK]

Brokebackette: Do you know somebody named 3dg?

Brokeback: We's was fishin buddies.

3dg: You know it could be like dis, like dis always.

Brokeback: It's nobody's biddness but ours.

3dg: I'm from the future. I came here in a time machine that you invented.

Brokeback: I wish I could quit you.

3dg: Yeah, well you can't. Get back on that typewriter, monkey!

***

You see, Brokeback, you can't quit because you never had the choice. You was enlisted, boy! Now, post something hilarious, or else...

My Generation

2006-07-14T10:49:00.000-04:00

What was the weather like on November 9, 1799

What was the score of the ball game on June 28, 1914?

What was on sale at the market on September 1, 1939?

I can’t answer these questions. But I can tell you that yesterday, it was a warm 28°C, the Red Sox lost 5-4, and watermelons were $3.99.

In fifty, a hundred, and two hundred years from now, people were care as little about those trivialities as we care about the price of grapes in Napoleonic times. Our children, grand children, and great-great grand children will read about this day, or rather, this time, with the same bored, teary eyes that we learned about the Persian wars, the crusades, and the Industrial Revolution, despite the enormous impact each of these events have had on the course of human history.

Now, I don’t mean to be a naysayer or a skeptic, and I definitely don’t want to seem overdramatic or as though I’m a fear monger, but we are witnessing living history, a moment in time that will forever shape the destiny of the entire planet. Dare I say it, we are living on the cusp of World War III.

The proof is all around us: Bombings in India; Israel invading Lebanon; North Korea testing missiles that can hit the US; Iraqi insurgents decimating American troops. The dominos are falling, and at the moment, there looks to be no way to stop them; no way to stop the house of cards from crumbling.

But who cares?

War, suffering, and tragedy has become little more than entertainment to those of us comfortably sitting at home, watching the thirty second news updates between uninspired performances on American Idol. We shake our heads in momentary disgust as we scan cbc.ca, and then we click on to see the latest pictures of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

After all, what can we do? How can we stop the suicide bomber walking into a café in Jerusalem? How can we stop the planes from dropping bombs on Palestine? How can we stop the missiles flying towards Japan?

But then again, why would we want to?

In North America, we have become complacent. War is entertainment; it doesn’t affect our lives. Sure, we may be inconvenienced by high gas prices, or added security at airports, but in the end, as long as our Tim Horton’s is hot, the internet is working, and there’s a new episode of Lost on, war is relegated to a small corner in the back of our minds.

I can’t help but wonder what our grandparents felt when Hitler invaded Poland and the world was suddenly thrown into another conflict? If I had to guess, I would say that my grandparents woke up, read the paper, shook their heads, and carried on about their everyday business. How could they know that within six years, sixty-two million people would be dead? Every small Newfoundland community lost at least one son to the terrible conflict that resonates through today; four out of every thousand Canadians fell on the battlefields of foreign soil.

But that was a different time. They were the Greatest Generation. They marched silently and without complaint into battle, and came home and rebuilt our nation. We honor these heroes, and thank them for their courage and their sacrifice. At least, we do on November 11. The rest of the year, we curse when a car with a poppy on the license plate cuts us off. Occasionally, we recognize their contribution to our world, but only barely. The nation cries outrage when a picture of three drunken revelers relieving themselves on our most sacred tribute to our heroes; we cry out for blood, but we are forgiving when one of the boys, full of tears, apologizes to veterans across Canada. We pat ourselves on the back for our devotion to those boys who gave their lives, and then we change the channel and watch reruns of Friends, satisfied that we have done our part.

In North America, we don’t believe in war. It’s not that we don’t recognize it exists, or that it has an impact on the world, it’s that we don’t understand it. We can’t appreciate the terror, the sacrifice, and the courage that is necessary in war. We watch Saving Private Ryan and Band of Brothers, and we say we understand. But how can we understand something so evil, so frightening, and so inhuman without ever experiencing it. Ask the families of Captain Nichola Goddard, Corporal Paul Davis, or Master Corporal Timothy Wilson if Stephen Spielberg really captured the true horror of war. As a nation we grieve for our lost soldiers, and then we turn on the hockey game.

We don’t care about war. As long as our status quo remains unaffected, why would we? Until it becomes real, we will never really care. Until the bodies of our heroic brothers and sisters and sons and daughters start filling the airports and each and every one of us knows someone who has served in Afghanistan, it will never be real. A wounded soldier here or a dead soldier there will be filed away in our collective memories, right there behind that head butting soccer player.

Of course, the World Cup is a better conversation piece than the warlords in Sudan. Nobody wants to talk about Chechen rebels unless Jack Bauer is in the same sentence. War is depressing. Sure, it exists, but as long as we don’t talk about it, it will never be real.

For years, I have wondered about my generation. Generation X, as is the accepted term. We’re the generation that came into awareness during the 80s. Overshadowed by the Baby Boomers, we have never felt a connection to our world. We watched the Berlin Wall fall down, but it was not our wall. We saw the Cold War end, but it was not our war. We have witnessed defining moments of the 20th century, but it was not our century. As a generation, we have been called lazy, apathetic, and shallow. The Baby Boomers built our society with their radical social protests of the sixties and seventies, and what did we do with that progress? We watched OJ Simpson in a white bronco. We watched the Monica Lewinksy Scandal. We watched MTV. The defining moment of our generation was the suicide of Kurt Cobain.

That is, until the morning of September 11, 2001. In an instant, our apathetic, materialistic, internet loving generation changed. For a few fleeting moments, we cared about more than our stock options and our email. We watched in terror, and asked how anyone could do such an inhuman thing. We cried and hugged our loved ones, and for just a fleeting moment, we were part of a truly global community. The terror that had otherwise been confined to the rest the world had suddenly sucker punched us, and we couldn’t breathe. For weeks, the sight of the towers collapsing remained fresh in our minds, and we gave our food and our money and our blood. “The terrorists will not win!” We declared.

The terrorists wanted to shake our culture, bring us to our knees. They wanted us to recognize them as a force to be reckoned with. They wanted to scare us. And for a time, they had. But today, barely five years later, it’s safe to say that the terrorists have not won. We watch American Idol every four months, and more of us vote for our favorite star than we do for our leaders. There is a war on terror, but for the average person, that war is nothing but an inconvenience; a footnote in the days events.

Outside of our secluded bubble, the world is falling apart, just as it did in 1799, 1914, and 1939. War is coming, but we don’t care. As long as our gas prices are somewhat reasonable and our internet is fast, who cares what happens in Asia, the Middle East, or Africa? Unfortunately, as to dot.com generation is painfully aware, bubbles burst, and when they do, the inevitable maelstrom of uncertainty comes rushing in.

We are products of the time we are living in, and we have grown up with the fall of communism and the rise of the internet. We live in a peaceful bliss because it’s what we know. Our apathy is our defining trait.

But as a generation, we have a responsibility to the future. Every generation has had it, and every generation has risen to the challenge. That responsibility is to protect our future before handing it off to the next generation. The Greatest Generation fought and stopped tyranny in its tracks. The Baby Boomers fought for equality and justice. And now we must also fight. We must fight for peace.

I don’t call on us to fight for peace by fighting wars. We must look for alternatives. Baby Boomers are still running our world, but we must stand up to them and say “these are your wars, we don’t want them.” We must stand together as a human race. As Christians and Muslims and Jews and Buddhists and Hindus and Atheists, we must stand up to the advancing tanks, and turn away the missiles, and convince the suicide bombers that life is preferable to death.

Let our generation be remembered not as those who fought and died in World War III, but rather let us be remembered as those who fought and stopped World War III.

Because yesterday, it was hot outside. Today, the Red Sox will lose again. And in a hundred years, watermelons will still be on sale.

Its down to 2 now.... *TEAR

2006-07-13T09:42:00.000-04:00

I'd like to take this time to announce my official retirement from 3DG..

I know this may come as a surprise to some of you, and as extremely exciting news for most of you.. But if anyone cared to notice........ .......... .......... I didn't really post all that often! I'll give you time to deal with this shocking news I have just shared with you.

...............

.............

...........

.........

.......

.....

...

.
I decided that I have better, more enjoyable and more productive things to do with my time.. Like contemplating my navel, watching the weather channel and tracking the migration patterns of Canadian Geese.

In the popular way of the blogging Gods before me, I would like to end my blogging life in the way most often used by Steve..

... A TOP 10 LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top ten reasons this blog sucks!

10. Michael and Steve are the two main sources of posts...
9. See entry 10
8. If I wanted to see internet videos, I'd visit google video and youtube by myself
7. Teh spelang and gremur arr terrabel
6. Noone is surprised by yet another post about how much this blog sucks.
5. See entry 9
4. Where's Tanga was quite difficult.
3. Frankly, this site needs more cowbell.
2. I know that the phase has past.. But this site was a shrine to Tanga for FAR too long
1. See entry 1 through 10 (Especially 9, 5, and 2)

Well.................................................. Bye Bye!!!!!!!!

And for one last time, I'd like to sign off....

You stay classy internet... You stay classy indeed!

- This ends the official retirment statement of Brokeback Jeff.. His gay little sideways cowboy hat and chaps will be retired forever, in gay cowboy heaven.

We're a "wonderful and informative web site."

2006-07-12T10:28:00.000-04:00

Three Drunk Guys: The Beginning of the End

It's true... Just look at the comments from one of our very firstest posts. A very nice individual has "used" our encyclopedia-esque site for "inofmration."

Other reviewers have the following to say:

"Very nice site!"

"Enjoyed a lot!"

"Very cool design!"

"I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you!"

That's right. We were thanked.

And I'd like to give out a special round of applause to these wonderful, and friendly people. Yay car-accident-lawyer! You're the best best-software-downloads. Thanks a bunch, cheapsoftwaredownload. You sound nice, hardcore-1030. And of course, who could ever forget marriot-hotel-and-fort-worth2c-texas and viagra-for-cheap. You guys are the best!

It's nice to have fans.

CBC News: Bush can call me 'Steve': Harper

2006-07-12T10:19:00.000-04:00

CBC News: Bush can call me 'Steve': Harper

And who says hard-hitting journalism is dead?

The VD Song

2006-07-07T07:18:00.000-04:00

http://www.gotlaughs.com/index.cfm?action=view&id=13053&scid=9668

Shelly Roberts is rolling over in her grave....... if she's dead

2006-07-07T07:02:00.000-04:00

Google, Spyware Added to Dictionary

Ignore the fact that they've added the word "Google" to the dictionary, they added the "bling". Bling? I was kinda hoping "bling" would be one of those words that future generations chose to forget.

PS: Google means "using the Google search engine to retrieve information".

PPS: I don't acknowledge "google" or "bling" as words because Lesbian Moses hasn't deemed them worthy of entry in the Collins Pocket Reference English Dictionary - Canadian Edition (Portable, Compact, Authoritative. Ideal for home, school, office) - Published 1989.

I LOVE LAMP

2006-07-06T13:55:00.000-04:00

More Mario

2006-07-05T11:19:00.000-04:00

The real Super Mario Brothers ending.

Who says I don't post anymore...

2006-07-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

I was very excited tonight. I had absolutely nothing to do. So I got home, made dinner (threw a pack of kraft single slices in the microwave and covered it in paprika and gummy worms) and sat down to watch the news. I used to do this every night, but haven't had a chance in a long, long time. Needless to say, I was asleep within minutes of the news starting and still have no clue what's happening in the world.

After my power nap, I decided I should probably take Tanga to the dog park. It's been so busy lately I hadn't taken her in weeks. So off we were on another world wide adventure. I brought my MP3 player to discourage conversation with the crazy people of the dog, who always mistake me for one of them. I swear, I'm the only person who goes to that dog park that doesn't have a picture of their dog ironed onto a shirt. I know what you're thinking and no... I don't.

So, we head down one of the paths. Eventually I look down and stop in my tracks. Tanga keeps going, but she doesn't pay much attention to me at the park. I find myself staring at one of the most confusing sights I've ever seen with no logical explanation for it. I lost track of all time, but I must have stared at it for a while. A long while. A very long while. I stared and tried, with every possible resource in my brain, to think of how this happened. I just couldn't. I couldn't explain how what I was looking at had got there.

I saw Superman yesterday. It was very good. To be completely honest, I had never seen a Superman movie before. Most people find this hard to believe. I've always been more of a Batman person, myself. I was never into the show or the comic books as a kid, but I've seen all the Batman movies a few times. It's not that I'm a big Batman fan, it's that I like to tell people that I am Batman. You'd be surprised at the positions a person can put their face in when you walk up to a complete stranger on the side of the road and, with the utmost seriousness stare them in the eyes, tell them you're Batman, then walk away. I suggest you try it some time. I also like to place Batman into fictional fights and debate how he could win. I'd say it's one of my favorite past times. I have a passion for it.

For instance, who would win in a fight: Batman or Superman? This is a classic, for a very good reason.

The new Superman movie is called Superman Returns. Remind anyone of an older movie in which a superhero (maybe... I don't know.... BATMAN) returned? Real original. I guess Superman Comes Back was already taken! In said movie, Superman does, infact, return. A baseball stadium of people explode of applause after Superman catches an airplane feet away from destroying everyone. Word has gotten out: Superman has returned! Later, they show a news broadcaster who says Superman has been saving people in Boston, England, Tokyo, Gotham, Bangkok, Ireland

Wait a second. Back the bus up! Gotham?

Are they serious? Did they just take a quick jab at another superhero in a superhero movie? Can they do that? Didn't they just break the fifth wall? To me, this was as bad as Superman staring into the camera and saying, "I have returned", pointing his fist in the air, and taking flight. PS: Since when can Superman fly? Can't he only leap as high as the tallest building? Was that not good enough for Superman? What a pussy. Oh no... look out Superman, it's a little kryptonite! Don't go dying now!!!

What kind of superhero dies? I mean... really. Batman never died!!! Then he has the nerve to come back to life? What the cock is that shit??? In the new movie he has a little piece of kryptonite stabbed through his body. Oh no, poor little Superman can take a bullet in the eye but can't handle a little piece of glowing green bludgeoned through his body. After he's stabbed, he survives a 100 story fall onto a glacier and into freezing cold water, then is rush to the nearest hospital.

I'm sorry. Did Superman just go to the hospital?

What a fuckin' Baby!!! Hi. My name's Superman. I require medical assistance! If Batman gets hurt (first of all he doesn't, but if he's faking it so other superheros, like Superman don't realize they're not as cool as him cause Batman's a nice guy) all he does is go down to the Bat Cave, get Alfred to pretend stitch him up, then he's back kicking ass on the mean streets of Gotham. And NO ONE ELSE, especially some non-belt wearin', hospital goin', jerry curl havin', sun replenishin', crystal lovin' alien, is gonna help him. Cause fuck that! That's why!!!

Batman doesn't need help. He even has Robyn as his sidekick to prove that, no only does he not need help, but he can also kick more ass that Superman with some stupid know-nothing kid attached to him at the hip.

Don't get me wrong, the movie was good, but don't pull that shit! Don't say Superman was saving people in Gotham. All that's gonna do is piss Batman off then Superman will have to go back to the hospital! THE HOSPITAL!!! Imagine being the doctor that saved Superman's life? I would have my biography, World's Most Kick Ass Doctor with a Ph.D. in Ass Kickin', in every book store the next day. I'm going to start writing my biography after I finish writing this, just to prepare for that day. I would sell out something awful!!! Superman saving t-shirts. Superman saving sweater vests. Breakfast cereals (as opposed to all those dinner cereals). Honda Civic spoilers, for my Asian market. Superman saving doctor bobble heads. It would be difficult to sell out more than Superman himself, but I think I could do it. The songs just write themselves.

How many songs are there about Superman? Hundreds!!! (no Batman songs, but my album hasn't been released yet.) Maybe I could get an entire Superman Saving album with such artists as, Billy Bob's favorite, Handson and that guy from Hootie and Blowfish. You know... Hootie.

What kind of name is that anyways? Hootie and the Blowfish? Even if you're just joking around (and I REALLY hope they were), Hootie? Blowfish? And the? Really? That's a terrible joke. Just awful. I just looked it up (removed my Hootie and the Blowfish discography from behind bullet-proof glass) and the lead singer's name is Darius Rucker. Oh yeah? Darius Rucker..... Hootie......... I get it! Oh... BLOWFISH!!! Now this is all coming together. What ever happened to those guys again? Oh, right... THEY WERE CALLED HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH!!!!! Imagine them sitting around trying to write they're second album. Thinking they're going to make it big again with a name like Hootie and the fuckin' blowfish! HOOTIE!!!!!

The worst-named band to ever maintain fame has to be The Barenaked Ladies. I don't know much about them, because I don't like their music at all, but I'm pretty sure they're clothed men. The only tangible word in that title is "The". That's all I gotta say about them.

Finger Eleven had it right. They made it big on their first album as The Rainbow Butt Monkeys. Scratch that previous statement. The Rainbow Butt Monkey is a worse name than Hootie and the Barenaked Blowfish Ladies. I let it slide because I like their music and I'm extremely judgmental that way. They realized they were never going to stick around with a name like The Rainbow Butt Monkeys and changed their name to Finger Eleven. Finger Eleven doesn't sound that great either. I don't know about you, but to me, my initial reaction is it's implying a penis (the male reproductive organ). Finger Eleven actually means, according to their lead singer, Scott Anderson, "when everything is pushing you in one direction and your instinct drives you in another--that’s finger eleven." How about that... a serious fact from 3DG's most handsom columnist.

One of my "bands" in highschool was called Stevie P and the Jamboree. That's a pretty terrible name. But it was okay because we played once. It was awful. I will never forget Meaghan's beautiful lyrics being permanently shredded into my brain, destroying my ear drums in the process. We opened with Interstate Luv Song by the Stone Temple Pilots, then Long December by the Counting Crows, and ended with Dolphin's Cry by Live. It was a setlist that had some potential for a band that had only played together once before playing in front of the school. It didn't sound too bad while I was up there because I was concentrating on trying to look cool while playing guitar (which I pulled off AMAZINGLY!!!!). The next day I got my hands on the video tape of the concert and took it directly to the A/V room to listen to it. That's right... I said A/V room. My head could have exploded and left a crop circle with my brains when I heard her horrific screech of that voice pierce through my skull.

So, here I am at the dog park staring at this circle. It's about three feet in diameter. Picture a three foot diameter circle of solid dog fur. Not only a three foot diameter circle of dog fur, but a three foot diameter circle of smoking dog fur. Not smoking as much as steaming, but anyways... steaming dog fur in a perfect circle. A maniac couldn't have drawn a better circle! I stared, puzzled, at this for what seemed like an eternity. My only logical explanation was that the dog simply imploded or possibly spontaneously combusted. After seeing that I was on the lookout for someone walking around looking for a lost dog. I guess I'd have to be the bearer of bad news. "Excuse me Sir/Madame. I believe I have found your dog's fur"

Or maybe aliens have exhausted the research of anally probing toothless mullets from Kentucky, and have moved onto dogs from Bruce Pit. Regardless, there was no dog to be found. There was only a circle of fur which can only be assumed is the remains of what once was a dog.

I wish Robert Stack were still alive...

The McCollough Effect - An On-line Science Exhibit

2006-07-04T09:41:00.000-04:00

The McCollough Effect - An On-line Science Exhibit

God my brain hurts.

If you don't laugh, then it's just mean!

2006-06-29T13:30:00.000-04:00

SawStop

2006-06-29T13:07:00.000-04:00

This is just incredible. I definitely need one of these, or at least, will when I start, you know, building stuff. I fully expect to lose a few fingers...

STAR WARS Drunk Driving PSA Commercial

2006-06-29T09:43:00.000-04:00

High speed camera of bullets going through several objects - Google Video

2006-06-28T13:37:00.000-04:00

I Had a Dream

2006-06-28T09:57:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night. If you know what's good for you, you'll stop reading now.

In this dream, we were all preparing for a hurricane that was coming. This was a big one, that was supposed to make Katrina look like a gentle breeze. So we boarded up houses, brought everything inside, and prepared to wait the storm out.

And then the hurricane hit, and as expected, it was a bad one. Roofs flying off houses, trees being uprooted, cars flipping over...

Of course, to make matters worse, we were in the middle of a Zombie attack.

I'd go see a movie about that...

The boot is near the other foot!

2006-06-27T06:33:00.000-04:00

HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The blog is mine!!!!

Noone else posts anymore... And noone else reads the damn thing anymore!! But its mine! All mine!!!! If only I could figure out how to change the banner or anything like that, but I don't think that the others gave me that kind of power!

But since this is all mine now, I will defile it with cool (but useless) pictures that noone cares about, just like Steve and Micheal (get it?) did before me!!!

Isn't this cool???

You stay classy internet,

Rise of the Mushroom Kingdom - Part 2

2006-06-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

This is just for Becky and Jason.. Since everyone else just probably watched the next movie(s), they're actually nice enough to let me post them!!!

I hope Mike and Steve think I'm cool for posting Mario movies!!!!!!!

... Watch...

Lesson for the idiots out there

2006-06-24T23:11:00.000-04:00

Turn signals are not to show that you ARE turning... They're to show that you're GOING to turn... If you go into a turn lane and then signal, you're an idiot!!!!

You stay classy internet

Fuck, I hate people

2006-06-23T10:02:00.000-04:00

Read.

That's right, everyone. It's the rant you've all been patiently waiting for since I stared blogging. Since the dawn of time. I know it's been said many times, many ways.... fuck I hate people.

Don't you hate it when your telephone rings? Me too!!! But it gets worse. You know what else pisses me off? When my phone rings and the person on the other end begins what they're going to say with "listen...". Listen? I was listening! Don't tell me what to do. Listen? That's why I picked up the phone. I sure as shit didn't pick it up to see you or smell you, moron. It's not like I'm going to pick up the phone and stick my fingers in my fuckin' ears!!! When people say that to me, I quickly say, "I was listening. That's why I picked up the phone." Most people will realize their stupidity, but some people actually get offended. To me, it's just one of those things that goes without saying. If someone picks up the phone it's assumed that they're listening to you. Otherwise they wouldn't pick up the phone. In theory...

The other phone-related thing that makes me hate people is when someone calls you up and they're talking to someone else. What is this? You're taking time out of my busy day to call and you're not even going to talk to me. LISTEN!!! I'll carefully handle this situation by saying, "Hello...", then listen to this person, who called to talk to me, talk to someone else. Since I'm such a nice guy, I'll give it about 3 or 4 more seconds, then say "hello..." again. After another 3 or 4 seconds I will slam the receiver to the body of the phone as hard as I possibly can, then return to my business at hand.

Don't even get me started on people who don't check their blind spot!!! (smooth transition, eh?) Now, if you're driving a car illegally, then I could understand, because you haven't gone through any training for this. But most people have a licence. Most people take courses when they're young in order to learn how to drive. In said courses, they explain to you about this thing called a blind spot. It's this little place where mirrors cease to be useful. If you try to switch lanes, bad things happen. They explain to people, if you don't do this, chances are you're going to hit another car. Is this not important to some people??? The worst people for it are old people.

That's right... I said it.

I don't mean to generalize, but old people are useless at EVERYTHING!!! I mean, is there a certain age when you just slow everything down by 80% and lose all the skills you used to have? Old people can't drive. They just can't. I'm sure they used to drive. Like that old man everyone knows who can barely see over the steering wheel! He usually wears a Sherlock Holmes, but the only mystery he's trying to solve is where did his other yellow plaid knee high sock go. I understand that old people aren't as good at some things as young people. But when you've lost a skill and it's beginning to endanger lives, just give it up. I'm sure when he was a younger old man he could drive. Did he just lose it all of a sudden? It's not a terribly complicated skill to learn. Hell, they teach teenagers how to drive!!!

... teenages... Kids today. Kids with their rap music. What the fuck kinda name is Fifty Cent? When I talk about him, which isn't as much as you'd think, I make it painfully clear that I am saying FIFTY. And instead of cent I say CENTS. It's the whitest thing a human being can say. It hurts. But come on... Fiddy? Is that even a word? "Oh... look at me! My name is Fiddy Cent!!! I'm named after pocket change! I got shot a lot because I was a bad drug dealer. Now I'm a fucking millionaire and I think I'm better than Steve!!" You know what? As most people know I'm a big fan of the rapping arts.................. and the guy sounds like a pussy!!! He's not even a good rapper, and all rappers sound like shit! Why don't you go to the candy shop, Fiddy. While you're there take a lolly pop, a couple Pez dispensers and a hand full of Cherry Blasters, turn them sideways, and shove it with walnuts, ugly. Shut up already. The only good thing about Fiddy Cent is that he WAS shot. So that means someone, somewhere is looking to finish off the job!!!

That was a bit harsh, even for me...

Just so no one misunderstands, I don't want people to die. I just don't like them. I'm not some fuckin' maniac who walks down the street, sees a shady character I don't much care for, and wish death upon them. I'm not THAT bitter. I just don't much care for stupidity. That's all.

I was just about to publish this post when my phone rang. It could have ended here if I hadn't received this phone call. I picked up and said, "Good morning, Steve speaking" in my chipperest voice and was quickly responded to with "Yeah, can you hold a second". Can I hold? But you just called to talk to me!!

I was going to keep going with that mini-rant but got another phone call. I'm on fire today! This one's better than the "please hold" greeting. Someone called me up and asked, "Is my air conditioner in stock?" For those of you who don't know, I work at an HVAC wholesaler. I paused for a moment, almost in disbelief. "Who am I speaking to?" I carefully asked. "Yeah... we were talking about it last week. Is my air conditioner in". What a strange name. I paused again, thinking to myself if this guy was for real or if I slipped into a moronic alter-dimension. I eventually replied, "I talk to a lot of people about air conditioners. Who am I speaking to?" Apparently my psychic abilities are beginning to slip in my old age. The voice on the other end got intolerable. "It's John Smith" (I made that name up). "Okay... what's your company's name?" There's no way I'm actually expected to know this information by the sound of a stranger's voice!!! Is there? Sometimes getting basic information from people is like squeezing water from a stone.

This conversation went on like this until I eventually discovered that Mr. John Smith wasn't even talking to me in the first place. It was like a terrible game of 20 questions, except probably with more questions. I can't stand these people who think that they're the center of this little happy universe. Like I come to work and sit patiently staring at my phone waiting for their call. It's not a challenging concept. It's basic conversation.

At the end of the conversation I told John Smith I would transfer him to the person he was speaking to in the first place. I heard him say to someone in the same room, "What an unpleasant individual." First things first - Individual? Who talks like that?? If one person is a group, then that's worth noting. That's impressive. It's just assumed a person is an individual. Sorry John Smith, I'm not one person. I'm me AND another guy. I'm an anomaly!!! Anyways, many thoughts went through my head after hearing John Smith refer to me as an "unpleasant individual":

1. You're a dumbass.
2. Maybe I wouldn't have been so frustrated if you weren't such a dumbass.
3. Is it that difficult to tell me your name and why you're calling? This isn't information I should have to dig for!
4. I could tell this person what I think of them, but that would probably mean I'd have to spend Monday morning looking for a new job.
5. Don't just assume everyone knows what you're thinking. Simple rule. People can't read minds. I'm sorry... I'll try harder.....
6. Did I mention you're a dumbass?
7. Go fuck yourself.

Listen. I'm trying to be more tolerant of stupid people. I'm TRYING!!! It's just difficult when every time I turn around people get stupider and stupider. As for John Smith - I just stared into the receiver of the phone, shook my head, and hung it up. Oops. I guess you got disconnected while transfering the call. That must be very unpleasant.

End reading.

I can only think of one title for this movie, and I'm not writing it

2006-06-23T08:48:00.000-04:00

Rise of the Mushroom Kingdom - Part 1

2006-06-22T17:37:00.000-04:00

Well... for the sole reason that I don't post anymore and I really really want to be cool and have Billy and Asshole like me, I decided I would continue the trend and post a killer Mario movie. This is part 1 of a 4 part series.

This movie has everything... Love, happines, tragedy. It is "A masterpiece to end all stories of love and overcoming the loss of someone close to you."

... Watch...

Mmm, chicken-y goodness...

2006-06-22T11:49:00.000-04:00

This makes me want to vomit with rage:

http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/106/next-mystery.html?partner=rss

Don't say I didn't warn you...

2006-06-22T11:05:00.000-04:00

If I tell you a statistic, chances are I made it up......

but it's based on a decent estimate.

Random Thought:

2006-06-21T14:36:00.000-04:00

I'm afraid I might be a hypochondriac.

Holy Shit! We have a fan again...

2006-06-21T07:18:00.000-04:00

Welcome back MSKP. I thougt we'd lost our fanbase (aka: MSKP)

It seems like this blog has lost its edge. When it first started, and for the first few weeks, it consumed us. It was all we'd talk about and we'd have about 8 or 9 posts a day. And despite what some people say, they were good posts.

When I say "we" I really mean "Billy Bob and I". What the fuck happened to Brokeback?

Anyways... Now we're lucky if we can conger up one half-assed post a day. The quantity and the quality has gone down. Should we call it quits? FUCK YEAH!!! We should have called it quits before we came up with this idea during a drunken skunk-bong hit. Are you going to call it quits? FUCK NO!!! Do I swear too much? BITCH SHIT FART MITTENS!!!!!!!!!!!!

poopie...

But seriously, is Jeff even a part of this blog anymore? He's made 2 of the past 50 posts. I know that's nothing again Billy Bob and me, because we're not going post-crazy the way we used to. Brokeback comes around about once every 20 posts, says something which makes me want to call him Brokeback Gump (except not nearly as funny) and kick him in the baby-maker.

I don't think it's the lack of posts or entertainment value or generic use that has driven our fans away. I think it's Jeff!!! But I blame Jeff for a lot of things. It's Jeff's fault people get canker sores. Don't blame me... it's science......

So, if we don't have fans anymore, then why are we still doing this? When Stevie P's Blog jumped the shark I kept doing it because it was fun. This isn't fun anymore. It's work to think of something to post. I guess the main reason I'm going to continue to do it is because Billy Bob will hire a hitman if I don't. And can you imagine what this blog would be like it I weren't a part of it? It would be terribly awful, like Balsom's Blog, except with some moron that says something holy-ridiculous every 20 posts.

0.99999999999... = 1

2006-06-20T11:21:00.000-04:00

Polymathematics: No, I'm Sorry, It Does.

Ok, my entire worldview has been shattered. Nothing makes sense anymore. I've read the proofs and the comments and scoured the math geek forums, and apparently, 0.9 repeating = 1.

I'm pretty sure this means the rapture is coming upon us, and if it's not, it damn well should be.

I am a defeated man.

I'm not sure why this is distressing me as much as it is. Perhaps it's because I'm logical, or perhaps it's because math hurts my head and I don't really grasp the concept of infinite. In any case, I hope the world doesn't end, but if the cosmos doesn't straighten this bullshit out, I may have to jump start the apocalpyse.

Where's Tanga?

2006-06-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

Newfoundland Quarter Recall

2006-06-16T14:46:00.000-04:00

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province.

"We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued," Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday.

"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces joined Confederation and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together causes them to keep jamming."

>

Top 10 Most Powerful Celebrities

2006-06-16T14:08:00.000-04:00

CBC Arts: Tom Cruise tops Forbes star power list

Forbes released the Most 100 Powerful Celebrities. And in case you couldn't guess my reaction, I'm disgusted. Here are the top 10 (along with my enlightening commentary, of course).

1. Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise? Really? The guy is a douche bag wrapped in a dickhead, inside another douche bag. A few years ago, I thought Tom Cruise was one of the top peeps in Hollywood. He usually made good movies, he wasn't a bad actor, and he wasn't crazy. But Tom, let's face it, jumping up and down and declaring your love for Katie Holmes on Oprah... that not only embarrasses yourself, but embarrasses every person in the entire world... even that poor Chinese peasant who doesn't even know what a Tom Cruise is. Oh, and don't even get me started on filling Katie with your short-statured devil seed...

2. The Rolling Stones

Aren't you guys dead yet? My God! Keith Richards recently fell and hurt his head. What is he, like 70? He should be dead... oh wait, he already is dead, he just doesn't know it.

3. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. You make me sick. You have nothing interesting to say, ever. The only reason people like you is because you give away free stuff. Oh, and I also despise you because you unleashed that redneck Dr. Phil on the unsuspecting populace (what has the universe ever done to you, Oprah?)

4. U2

You know, it occurs to me that 3dg hasn't seen one of my Bono rants. I have a feeling that will change in the coming weeks, as my hatred of him, and everything he is consumes my pure and noble soul. Let's just say this... U2 is the worst band in the history of bands. It's not that there music is terrible, because it's not. The problem is that everyone thinks that U2 has great music. I'm not sure what kind of brainwashing Bono and his douchebaggedness has used to control the world, but I'm telling you, if 3dg ever gets hold of the technology, the world will be ours.

And another things, bands like U2 and the Rolling Stones have no right to be "powerful." You're rock stars. Start acting like it. Start destroying hotel rooms, sniffing crack off a hooker's ass, and pissing on historic landmarks. It's your responsibility as rock icons. Don't go telling me to give to AIDS relief and help the homeless. If you want to set an example, get high and jump off a ten story balcony into a swimming pool... Now that gives you street cred.

5. Tiger Woods

Ok, I have no real problem with Tiger Woods... What, he makes good PS2 golf games? I'm not sure he should be here, since he hasn't really done anything special in a few years (except married a super hot groupie). Oh yeah... and he's a GOLFER!

6. Steven Spielberg

Again, no real problem with old SS being up there. He's actually the only person on this list who makes sense as a powerful celebrity. He actually makes movies and such, and they're usually pretty good... not always, of course (Jurassic Park III, I'm looking in your direction).

7. Howard Stern

This guy was a douchebag ten years ago, and he's a douchebag now. His fart and dick jokes weren't funny then, and they're not funny now. Period.

8. 50 Cent

Good God what has this world come to. "Hey ma! You wanna shoot me eight times so I can become famous and shit?" You're a real model, Fiddy. Why don't you shoot some smack and fuck a dead hooker you greasy dirtbag.

9. Cast of The Sopranos

What! That doesn't even make sense. Don't get me wrong, I love the Sopranos, but they piss me off. I mean, really, what has it been, like two years between season 5 and season 6? I mean seriously, what kind of douche bags are running this show? If I were HBO, I would seriously beat the shit out of the entire cast of The Sopranos with a telephone, and tell them to get the fuck back to work. Douches...

10. Dan Brown

Holy shit... I have died and gone to hell. This guy wrote a shitty book using shitty cliche's, and then sold fourty million copies... Fine, I can deal with that. But then he made a movie. I can deal with that too... A lot of shitty books have been made into shitty movies. But then to put him on the top ten list? HORSESHIT!

I'm not sure who I hate the most. Robert Langdon or Sophie... nope, I hate Dan Brown the most.

Here's my list of the Top 10 most powerful celebrities.

1. Billy Bob of Three Drunk Guys

Ok, so I'm a bit biased.

2. Jack Bauer

He kills terrorists with cell phones dammit!

3. Brangelina's Baby

You know this kid is going to be pure entertainment for the next fifty years. I mean, five million dollars for a picture? Now that's star power.

4. Christopher Walken

When this guy talks, you listen... He convinced the entire staff of 3dg that we need more cowbell...

5. Stevie P of Three Drunk Guys

Ok, no one actually buys that I would rank him higher than the penguins from the Simpsons, but if I didn't he would start a war with me, and the last war resulted in this terrible terrible blog... I can't imagine what the outcome of the next one would be. And besides, his obsession with Mario fills up at least half of this blog.

6. The Great Pumpkin

Who doesn't remember the great pumpkin? Poor Linus, sitting out there all night waiting for the great pumpkin... waiting for him to bring presents to all the good boys and girls...

7. Richard Cheese

Who's Richard Cheese, you ask? Well, he's a lounge singer who does covers of popular songs like Hit Me Baby One More Time, American Idiot, Suck My Kiss, and Milkshake. But more importantly, he inspired the creation of the musical supergroup, the Super Lakeport Fantastics.

8. Brokeback Jeff of Three Drunk Guys

He doesn't post often, but he posts well. He would have been ranked higher, but he tends to write his posts out on paper before actually writing them, slowing down the process considerably.

9. Doc Brown

He invented a time machine for cripes sake! A TIME MACHINE!

JIGAWATTS!!!

10. Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay

They wrote the Perfect Strangers theme song baby!

Rollerblading: The Movie - Act 1

2006-06-16T11:26:00.000-04:00

Having completed a half marathon and done further damage to my stress fracture, I decided that it was time that I learned how to rollerblade.

Let me tell you something. It has been at least 15 years since I've skated on ice, and I've never been on rollerblades in my life. In fact, I have a hard time understanding the logic of putting wheels on your feet. Nonetheless, after seeing some punk-ass kids rolling around Wal-Mart with sneakers that had wheels in them, I thought to myself, "I want a pair of those! Here I am, like a chump, walking everywhere!" But after thinking about it, I realized I probably wouldn't be able to find those shoes with wheels in them in my massive foot size, and besides, they are the modern day equivalent of Lawn Darts and Tracer Guns... they seemed like a good idea at the time.

But anyway, I digress. After my brief infatuation with Heely's, I decided to think about rollerblades. I mean, if one wheel on the heel of a sneaker is awesome, imagine four wheels in a row on the bottom of a skate! What could possible go wrong?

So yesterday, I went to SportChek with the intention of purchasing my very own ~~death shoes~~ roller blades.

As I entered the store and located the wall of rollerblades, a nice young punk who looked like a young George McFly came up to me and asked me what I was looking for. "I want rollerblades."

"Well, you've come to the right place."

"Oh really? That's why you have a wall of rollerblades. Here I was, thinking I was in the wrong place. I've never rollerbladed before, and it's been about a decade since I've skated." Ok, so I lied to the guy... I didn't want to seem like a complete douchebag, and I figured telling him I hadn't skated in 15 years would make me look pathetic.

"Well, these ones are great for beginners. They'll help you go fast, and they're smooth, and probably all-in-all exactly what you're looking for. They're only $299.99."

"Uh, yeah... Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly." I said as I rapped his head. "Do you realize what would happen if I strapped on fast rollerblades. I would probably die, and you would be held liable. You wouldn't want that, would you McFly?"

"Of course not, Biff. I wouldn't want that to happen." The little guy said.

"In any case, I'm looking for something a bit cheaper. And you know.... something that won't leave me too dead."

So McFly showed me a nice pair of rollerblades that were on for $159.99, down from $199.99. Still a bit more than I cared to spend, but hey, this is my obsession for the next six days we're talking about! Nothing is too much!

After putting on these wheeled contraptions, I stood up and started rolling... "Oh, this is fun." I said as I gently drifted away from McFly. "Just one question. Why am I going backwards?"

After he got me turned around, he told me to skate to the other side of the store, down this long and menacing aisle. I said sure, because well, I was already drifting in that direction anyway, why the hell not. So as I tried in vain to skate down the store, I tried to keep up a conversation. "So, how about that local sports team and or college?" I asked.

McFly looked stunned, and so I shut up and kept "blading."

Of course, my humiliation didn't end there. Oh no. As I neared the end of the store, this cute girl who worked there, probably 19 or so saw me, and started chuckling. Yup, that did a lot for the old ego.

"Yup... I'm kind of a big deal."

And then another cute staffer, about the same age and about 100 pounds soaking wet came up behind me and said "Don't worry, I gotcha if you fall."

Oh yeah, SportChek employs nothing but the best and the brightest. It's not like I'm 2 1/2 times her size or anything. I was tempted to fall just so I squish her like a bug... teach her a lesson in making fun of patrons. But I didn't think my fragile ego could take it.

Anyway, we got back to the rollerblades, and McFly asked me if I wanted to try another pair. "No, I'll take these." I said. My ego had suffered enough and another trip down the aisle of shame wasn't going to make things any better.

So I left the store, waving a tearful goodbye to McFly and all my new friends at the right place to get rollerblades. My bank card felt lighter... but I had rollerblades and a full suit of armor that would protect me from Roethlisberger's Motorcycle. Upon my arrival at home, I did what any 28 year old man does when he brings home a new, and potentially deadly toy home... I had a nap. I had just rollerbladed two entire lengths of the SportChek store, afterall.

After a very pleasant power nap, I decided to cook supper, grab a beer, and of course, try on my new rollerblades. It was a lot more complicated then it was at the store, but then I realized, at the store, McFly actually did the boots up for me. Yep, ego getting stronger by the minute.

While supper was cooking, I started doing laps around the house. In my mind, I was a picture of grace and style, inching around corners, ramming into walls and fans to stop, and guzzling a beer on those long straight-a-ways. Of course, my sister's constant laughter was an indication that I was not, in fact, as awesome as I thawt. But nonetheless, it was a beginning.

After supper, I decided to get all suited up and go for a short blade down the street... to, you know, show off to the neighbourhood kids.

Apparantly, rollerblading is harder than it looks. I mean, c'mon, it's sneakers with wheels! If I can run a half-marathon, I'm sure I can skate down a little road!

Yeah, not-so-much.

My first mistake was putting my rollerblades on inside. Because then I had to manuever two short, but very hard concrete steps to get down to street level. Faced with the terrible terrible fate of falling on my ass and starting to cry, I decided instead to do what anyone in my position would do. I jumped down onto the grass, doing a barrel roll and jumping up like I had meant to fall.

Then on to the next challenge... the curb. Ok, I know it's only 5" drop, but in rollerblade world, that's like 6". "How the hell do you use these things?" I asked a punk kid who was walking by... I saw the snicker in his eyes, but I wanted to be cool about it... I'm pretty sure I failed.

I decided to then just skate down to the end of the street, and back. Ok, the first obstacle was a speed bump, and I wasn't sure how exactly to tackle that, until I realized the bump didn't span the entire width of the road, and I could go around. As I was navigating the trecherous asphalt barrier, a kid, no more than five or six came flying by, using the speed bump as a ramp, and getting seven or eight inches of air from it. Yep, my is non-existant.

But I did manage to get to the end of the road and back (not before that kid lapped me once more), and back into the house without any injury. All in all, I had been on my rollerblades for about an hour (10 minutes if you don't count the time I was just sitting on the couch drinking a beer with them on). What did I learn? Stopping is harder than it looks, and there's a good chance the only thing that's ever going to stop me is traffic... I'll be playing frogger with the dump trucks, I'm sure.

I'll get better at this whole rollerblading fiasco. And you're going to read all about it here at Three Drunk Guys. From my initial purchase and uneasy beginnings, to me being dropped from a helicopter and rollerblading down Kilimanjaro's slop...

I am "extremely observer"

2006-06-16T11:16:00.000-04:00

I saw all eleven

CBC Arts: Mr. Dressup to go off the air

2006-06-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

CBC Arts: Mr. Dressup to go off the air

Goodbye Mr. Dressup...

So, who wants to come over and watch Mr. Dressup on DVD with me?

Back to Edmonton

2006-06-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I actually jumped on the bed and let out a nice big YEEEEE-HAAAAW...

I have a creepy fascination with Mario

2006-06-15T07:24:00.000-04:00

Steve is good... Well, atleast not the worst...

2006-06-15T00:36:00.000-04:00

I would like to take a moment to speak from my heart and say something very important and at the same time, very serious....

I would like to commend Steve!!! I know what you’re thinking; who the hell am I to say something nice about Steve and above all else.. Steve deserves to be beaten to death by ravenous ginny pigs. But yes, its true…

If you will take the time to go back to the previous post… That is BY FAR the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.. I know that he didn’t make it or anything.. But to be the one to share that with the rest of us, I would like to say “Thank you!!”

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say, that daily I think “They don’t make enough music videos involving Mario characters.”… But there you have in, Toad really didn’t want to take it.

That was an excellent piece of internetsism and Steve deserves to be credited for sharing that with us all… Let me be the first to say “Thanks Steve! That was fucking awesome!!!!!!”

Toad's not gonna take it

2006-06-14T16:06:00.000-04:00

http://www.mpam.gr/fun/animations/mario_we_are_not_gonna_take_it/media.htm

Engels leren?

2006-06-14T15:16:00.000-04:00

Brokeback Bunnies

2006-06-14T13:44:00.000-04:00

Brokeback Mountain Parody

For those of you who haven't seen Brokeback Mountain... this is a pretty accurate depiction of the movie.

What an Asshole

2006-06-14T13:31:00.000-04:00

How 'bout that... a serious rant

2006-06-14T10:24:00.000-04:00

Wow. It's been a while since I've written in this blog. I just looked into it, and my last post was a week ago today. I guess it hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things, but well below my 10-post-a-day average.

I came into work this morning at 7:00. We don't open until 7:30, but I like to get some coffee into me and relax a bit before I have to work. There's this guy here, the head of shipping and receiving, who starts at about 5:00ish. He comes in early so he can unload or load a truck so everything is off and going early. He's a fool.

He finds in necessary to talk to me every morning. This wouldn't be so bad, if it were a conversation of some kind of substance as opposed to the "bitching about work" I get in my relax time before work. Using my keen observation skills, I can tell if he's going to bitch about work before his mouth opens. When he walks into my office, I'll make eye contact then, if he has that look in his eyes, say, "I'm not working yet." He has sometimes just turned and walked away.

This is one of those guys that can't relax. If something goes wrong, it will throw his whole day off and he will be in a foul mood for the rest of the day, sometimes even the next day.

When I get to work all I want is coffee. I want to ease into my day at my pace. By the time I get in, he's already been working for a couple hours. His day is already off to some sort of pace. If he's having a shitty morning I don't want to hear about it. What pisses me off the most isn't that he's having a bad day, I couldn't care less, it's that his mood has affected my mood.

When he comes in and starts yelling about something someone did and I can't stop him, it bothers me. The worst thing about this type of person is you can't just tell them to drop it. In my job I get yelled at daily. Almost hourly. Sometimes less, sometimes A LOT more! It doesn't bother me afterwards. If I'm on the phone with an asshole I'll deal with them, hang up the phone, say "dumbass" and go on with my day. It takes a lot to get under my skin, which comes with our job.

People around me can tell when I'm having a conversation like that. When I hang up the phone they will sometimes say "dumbass" in unisent with me.

I understand that not everyone can just drop it when something bad happens. Some people need to deal with it. But, three things:

1. Don't do that
2. Don't take it out on other people who had nothing to do with it.
3. Don't talk to me about it.

We have another guy like that here. The difference is this guy isn't exiled to the back, only to surface when he has to complain about something. This guy is up front with the norms, and free to talk whenever he wants. And the worst part... he's even worse...

If something goes wrong it will throw him off enough he will turn red and, I can say this is all honesty, a little rage-o-meter appears in the top right corner of his screen and begins to climb. One time I actually saw smoke come out of his ears. He wasn't standing in front of a tea kettle either.

One time, on a particularly bad day, we were both at the counter, serving our separate customers. He walks by me and says (not asks, says) "do we have any 3/4"?" (that middle " is an "inch" sign). I say, "3/4" what?" We sell lots of things that are 3/4" in both length and diameter. He looks at me like I just slapped his mother and says, in the most condescending voice I've ever heard, "3/4"...". I could tell what everyone was thinking so I said, "OH.... three-quarter INCH!!! Yeah... we have some of that in the back". He says, extremely snotily (which is a word now). "I know, but where in the back" I said, "next to the half inch". He starts to walk back.

When he's gone everyone asks what's wrong with him. He's more-or-less a joke here, at this point. Him and I started on the same day and I think I learned more in the first month than he knows now. Not that I'm trying to be cocky, but sometimes cockiness just happens....

So, he comes back and says, "It's not there. Do we have any?" I said, "3/4" what?" He looks at me like I'm trying to bight my ear, and says, in the second most condescending voice I've ever heard, "three-quart inch COPPER!!!" I stared at him, expecting more.... then asked, "gas or air conditioning?" I'm not saying this is knowledge that the average 3DG reader should know, but if you work at an HVAC wholesaler it's not bad to keep it in the back of your mind. He looks at me like I just punted his kitten, and says, in the third most condescending voice I've ever heard, "air conditioning..." I said, "I don't know, what does the computer says" and walked away.

I have no time for people like this. They want everything from the world and offer nothing in return.

Random Event

2006-06-13T13:23:00.000-04:00

K, so I'm out shopping the other day at one of those places that have lots of different stores in them... You know, where teenagers go to be bitches... MALLS!!!!! Thats the word.

So I'm walking by this female clothing store where the person who works there is changing the clothes on a manikin. So I stop and look for a bit... Then the woman looks up and sees me looking at her changing the clothes on the manikin. I'm so shocked at how this must look to her that I don't even move... She's sitting there thinking I'm a weirdo for staring... Man, the next 30 seconds were VERY awkward!!!

eBay Goodies: Pickton Soil

2006-06-12T14:32:00.000-04:00

eBay: Pickton Soil

Nope. I was wrong. This is by far the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

Gotta love eBay.

eBay Goodies: Leonard Nimoy Mask

2006-06-12T14:31:00.000-04:00

eBay.co.uk: Leonard Nimoy Mask

I've seen a few things creepier than this.

No, that's a lie. This is the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

Big Spanish Castle

2006-06-12T14:03:00.000-04:00

Big Spanish Castle

This is seriously cool.

Hee Hee Hee... Douche...

2006-06-09T08:47:00.000-04:00

Barney! My Pebbles!

2006-06-09T08:43:00.000-04:00

If You're Not Going to Take This Seriously...

2006-06-09T08:34:00.000-04:00

Tim Horton's Drive Thru Menu Reduction Petition

2006-06-07T10:16:00.000-04:00

Tim Horton's Drive Thru Menu Reduction Petition

Ok, time for a good old fashioned rant.

Tim Horton's is a truly Canadian establishment, serving up wonderfully addictive coffee, doughnuts, pastries, bagels, sandwiches, and most importantly, iced cappacino. The Tim Horton's drive thru is also a proud Canadian experience.

Unfortunately, that experience has become sullied as of late, as it appears that more and more people are ordering things like toasted bagels and sandwiches through the drive thru. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the toasted bagels and sandwiches, but the truth of the matter is, in a drive thru setting, people who order sandwiches and toasted treats do nothing but gum up the works.

Tim Horton's doesn't accept interac because it slows down their service. Well, you know what else slows down their service? PEOPLE ORDERING THREE SANDWICHES AT THE DRIVE THRU.

I mean, seriously, if you're going to order sandwiches, take the time to park, get out of your car, and go inside. Ordering sandwiches at the drive thru slows everything down, and turns a relatively quick wait in a drive thru to an unbearable torture.

Here are my suggested Tim Horton's drive thru rules of ettiquette... We'll call them Billy Bob's Rules of Tim Horton's Drive Thru Etiquette (catchy title, eh?)

1. Know ahead of time what you want (you're only getting coffee and a doughnut, so it's not really necessary to spend fifteen minutes looking at the menu).

1a. If you don't know what you want, go inside. The drive thru is for people who know what they want, and as the menu is woefully inadequate at convincing you what you want, you might as well bight the bullet and go in.

2. Drive up to the order box and state clearly what you want. Do not exchange pleasantries with the speaker box, because the people behind the order box will mistake it for extra coffee. Do not have a conversation with the order box, do not ask what's good. Simply drive up, and say what you want, nothing more, nothing less.

2a. Do not order sandwiches or a toasted bagel or anything that requires the staff at Tim Horton's to do anything other than pour coffee or pick up a doughnut.

3. While waiting your turn, prepare the money. It's sitting in your change container in your vehicle anyway, and if it's not, prepare the money before you get to the drive thru. Do not spend fifteen minutes fumbling around once you get to the payment window. It took you fifteen minutes to get there, you should have spent the time wisely, rather than talking on your cell phone or air guitaring the latest Enrique Iglesias megahit.

4. Hand the money directly to the person. Correct change is appreciated, but I'm well aware that's not always possible. Do not put the change on the ledge, as more often than not, the Tim Horton's employee will (a) not see it, (b) have to struggle to pick it up, or (c) knock it onto the ground.

4a. If you drop change on the ground, let it go. It belongs to the world now. Consider it a stupid tax.

4b. Tim Horton's does not accept interac. It never has, it never will. Stop trying to pay with it.

5. Pick up your order and immediately drive away. If you have to stop and check your order, at least drive up a car length so the person behind you can get on with his/her business.

5a. If they messed up your order, it's your own fault for (a) ordering something so complex that you should have gone inside in the first place, or (b) you were not clear when you ordered. If you do have to return the order, get out of your car and go inside to get it straightened out. Do not, I repeat, do not try to figure it out at the drive thru window.

In any event, if everyone followed these simple rules, the Tim Horton's drive thru experience would be much more pleasant. We can't really do much about people's drive thru etiquette except educate them, but we can ask Tim Horton's to do all they can. And for that reason, I have drafted a petition that asks Tim Horton's to stop accepting orders for sandwiches and bagels at the drive thru.

It won't solve the problem of lengthy drive thru times, but at least it's a start. Together, we can change the world.

So please, sign my petition.

Tim Horton's Drive Thru Menu Reduction Petition

Subway Station in Japan

2006-06-07T07:25:00.000-04:00

Billy Bob did not Cheetah

2006-06-06T14:02:00.000-04:00

Three Drunk Guys: Billy Bob Cheetah'd

There have been allegations made that I have somehow "fixed" the results of our poll of the week asking Who's the best 3dg.

At the heart of this controversy is the fact that I, Billy Bob, am running away with the hearts of our millions of fans (and by millions, I mean 60% of them). Not suprisingly, Stevie P only got 20% of the votes, and Brokeback got only 10%. To be fair, he was out of the country with his only fan, Mrs. Brokeback. Suprisingly, only 10% of you wish us dead, and that fills my heart with hope.

In any event, back to the allegation of me endorsing my very own sports drink with Ben Johnson.

Election fraud, as defined by Wikipedia (The Free Encyclopedia) is the deliberate intentional interference with the process of an election. Fraud can be used to inflate the votes for the favored candidate or deflate the votes of the opposition.

Now, looking it at it from a UN Observer stand point, I'm sure you can say that for ever vote cast for me gave me five votes, and technically, I rigged the poll. But you really have to look at it from my point of view. I have a very fragile ego, and to have either Stevie P or Brokeback get a higher approval than me would pretty much destroy me emotionally.

Not buying that? Well, how about this one... I know I'm better Stevie P and Brokeback combined (look at the poll results... it's science!). The truth is, I know I'm right, and the result is far to important to be decided by objective people.

If I've learned anything from Dub-ya, it's that democracy is far to important to be left to the people.

How movies may have been...

2006-06-06T12:11:00.000-04:00

Top 25 Rejected Movie Roles -- notstarring.com

Here's some interesting factoids:

Life is like a dead rapper... You never know when he's gonna put out another album

Tupac Shakur, Dave Chapelle, and David Alan Grier were up for the roles of Bubba in Forrest Gump. Bill Murray and John Travolta were considered for the role of Forrest. I can just see it now... "Hey hey Mr. Kot-tair... Ya wan' som chok-latts?"

GIGAWATTS!!! Nope, just not the same.

Great Scott! Eric Stoltz was supposed to play Marty McFly in Back to the Future (who the hell is Eric Stoltz, anyway?) Jeff Goldblum was to play Doc... Glad that combo didn't work out... otherwise, we might never have heard of JIGAWATTS!!!

I want to see Lord of the Rings, as performed by mexican midget wrestlers.

Sean Connery as Gandalf would have been cool... But Keanu Reeves as Aragorn. That would have been... Neo-riffic... Too bad the didn't cast Kareem-Abdul Jabbar as Samwise... now that would have been interesting. Oh, but wait... there were no black people in Lord of the Rings... Although I'm seeing Denzel Washington as Frodo ("I am the po-lice, er, ring-bearer") and Morgan Freeman as Gandalf... ok, I'll stop now.

Needs more Banthabell

Cristopher Walken as Han Solo... "The Millenium Falcon has a fever... and the only cure is more banthabell." Sylverster Stallone, Kurt Russell, Burt Reynolds, and Al Pacino were also up for the role of Han Solo. My bladder hurts thinking about any of those choices.

John Travolta was up for Luke Skywalker too. "Hey hey, Mr. Kot-tair, I jas blew up dat dethstar thingy."

On the subject of Star Wars, it would have been interesting to see Chewy played by a midget.

It is not the spoon that bends, it is only your shitty acting

Kevin Costner as Neo... yep. Had to read that one twice too.

I think the best was the line from Will Smith, who wanted the part of Neo, but was happy because, and I quote, "Keanu was brilliant as Neo." Alright Will, get to the back of the short bus... First rule of the internet, you never, never use the words Keanu and brilliant in the same sentance. Seriously though, I think Johnny Depp, Val Kilmer or Ewan McGregor would have done a pretty good job as Neo.

Then there's Lou Diamond Phillips, who was sent the script but his agent told him that the movie would flop. Five bucks says that agent's fired now... Hey Lou, get back to hosting shitty reality TV.

I'll be aquitted

OJ Simpson as the Terminator? He didn't get it because the producers feared he wouldn't be taken seriously? Wow, take a bow, Mr. Obvious.

Mel Gibson as the Terminator? No comment.

Oh look... a manly horse-shit and gunpowder movie!

Matt Damon, Colin Farrell, and Josh Hartnett were considered for the third gayest cowboy movie ever... But rumour has it they've signed up for the sequal... Brokeback does Dallas.

Um, how come you can receive weak signals from space, but you can't use a radio in the Louvre?

Ok, in my mind, there is only one set of actors who could have done justice to the book... You know who I'm talking about... Keanu Reeves as Robert Langdon and Sandra Bullock as Sophie. Of course, they do have that credibility from Speed to maintain.

Edgar as Stay Puft? I could see it

Imagine this lineup as the Ghostbusters:

John Belushi as Peter Venkman
Eddie Murphy as Winston
John Candy as Rick Moranis' character
Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) as Gozer

Now that would have been something... but thankfully, we have our Bill Murray, and the token black guy who played Winston. It would have been interesting to see Pee Wee herman up there on top of the building with fire and brimstone shooting from the sky, only to have big Pee Wee start diddling little pee wee... Did I cross a line?

Your Picks... Ok, actually more of my picks

Well, that's all I have for this train wreck of a p0st... but let's start a little discussion in the comments here. When George Lucas starts running out of money and redubs Star Wars using current actors, who will he use? Here's my version, using members of the Frat Pack...

Luke Skywalker - Luke Wilson
Han Solo - Vince Vaughan
Chewbacca - Jack Black
Leia - Jennifer Aniston
Obi Wan - Will Farrell
Lando Calrissian - Snoop Dogg
Darth Vader - Steve Carrell
C3P0 - Owen Wilson
R2D2 - Ben Stiller
Yoda - Paul Rudd
The Emporer - David Koechner (Champ Kind, from Anchorman)

That would be the best movie EVER!!!

This blog makes baby Jesus cry

2006-06-06T10:35:00.000-04:00

What the hell is going on here?

I leave for a week, and all of a sudden the blog comes to a grinding halt! Our banner has been graffitied, and there's a pictographic history of the goomba? What the hell is going on here?

Things have got to change! That's all I'm saying. And now that I'm back in business, look out Stevie P. I'm going to give you run over you with a tractor. Brokeback is going to use his patented finishing move, the Rainbow Backbreaker to knock you back on track WOOOOOO!!!

Just a preview of things to come now that I'm back in business? Well, you'd be suprised at how many rants I can work up during a move. And during my move, I learned a lot about democracy, and petitions. So be on the lookout for some great petitions that will shake the foundation of our society... Tim Horton's, I'm looking in your direction.

So, for those of you who have been avoiding this terrible terrible blog while Brokeback and I have been away, fear not, you can now return. Sanity has returned to the blogosphere.

Sincerely,
Some Jerk

So long 1RA, welcome back 3DG

2006-06-05T06:37:00.000-04:00

I guess this is the last day of Stevie P's Blog Squared. Brokeback returned from his honeymoon, which I'm sure he manually live blogged for all of us to read later. Billy Bob is going back to work today, so I'm sure he'll be making a post and hour in no time.

I don't think I made the most of my opportunity. I've only made one post over the last four days, which is well behind the 9 or 10 posts a day we were averaging before. This blog has never really been updated that much on weekends. My weekends are about quality Steve time and the blog is about not doing work. We cater more towards the slacking work croud.

On Saturday and Sunday we got our two lowest hit-totals EVER!!! Even lower than our first day!!! Look what happens when I'm left in charge? It will take a few hours to fix the damage that was caused.

Photographic history of the goomba

2006-06-01T12:10:00.000-04:00

Super Mario Bros. (1985)

Super Mario Land (1989)

Super Mario Bros. 3 (1990)

Super Mario World (1991)

Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins (1992)

Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island (1995)

Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars (1996)

Mario 64 (1996)

Paper Mario (2001)

What's the deal with mustard?

2006-05-31T21:26:00.000-04:00

That's a good question, Stevie P. What IS the deal with mustard? Does anyone actually like this shit? You put the tiniest amount of mustard on an otherwise delicious sandwich and it's all you can taste. The mustard just takes over! It's wrong... so wrong.....

Did you know that there's actually a museum dedicated to mustard? People who know me know my dislike of this condiment and therefor understand the disgust I went through after discovering this information. The Mustard Museum is in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin. They claim to be the world's most famous mustard museum. Wow! Well, I could start a museum dedicated to me and claim to be the world's most famous Awesome Museuim, but it wouldn't mean sweet-fuck-all because I'd be the ONLY FUCKING ONE!!!!!!

They have more than three-thousand different kinds of mustard. There are mustards from almost every American state and from several foreign countries. The museum also shows how mustard is made and its visitors can taste three-hundred different kinds of mustard. They claim to be home to hundreds of items of "great mustard historical importance", including mustard pots and vintage mustard advertisements.

Woah, woah, woah! Back up!!! Three-thousand different kinds of mustard?¿?

This isn't like Bubba and all the different kinds of shrimp, this is mustard. Dirty, evil mustard. Even Forest Gump would admit there isn't three-thousand different kinds of shrimp!!! Even he knows that there couldn't possibly be three-thousand different kinds of mustard! And he has an IQ of 75!!! Assuming he was a real person, of course. Thought...

But what is up with this condiment explosion lately? I could count about half a dozen different kinds of mustard and some of them are probably doubles. I love condiments as much as everyone else. Except mustard, for my slower audience. Condiments accentuate the taste of a sandwich! What's not to like? But this is getting ridiculous!!! If I wanted my ketchup to taste like basil and oregano I would put basil and oregano in my ketchup!!! I don't need that pre-done for me. Thanks Heinz, but I own basil and oregano. I can field this problem on my own. If that issue ever arises, it's under control.

Then there's bacon tomato mayonnaise. Don't get me wrong, it sounds great!!! If I put that on a cheese sandwich it would be like eating a BLT. Sounds great..... if it were true. I just want my mayonnaise to taste like mayonnaise. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe I'm simple.

The worst has to be these combination condiments. I saw one with ketchup, mustard and relish all the in the same bottle. Needless to say it looked like baby vomit! What if they don't have my preferred proportions correct? The worst was this the mustard and mayonnaise in the same bottle. If I wanted mustard and mayonnaise on a sandwich at the same time (which would never happen, but we're hypothetical right now) I would just put them on myself. That little amount of time has never been that crucial to me while constructing a sandwich. If I'm cutting it that close, I think a sandwich is the least of my concerns. I have bigger things to worry about. This is also ignoring the fact that I could hold a bottle of mustard in my left hand, and a bottle of mayonnaise in my right, and squeeze at the same time.

Which brings me to my next point. Is squeeze mayonnaise really such a great idea? As a little boy, growing up on the mean streets of Kars, I would often be kept awake at night pondering why they didn't have mayonnaise in squeeze bottles. Ketchup is in a squeeze bottle. BBQ sauce and some relishes are in squeeze bottles. Even some lavish forms of cheese are available in squeeze bottles. Even dirty fuckin' mustard comes in a squeeze bottle. But, meanwhile, mayonnaise was always confined to be a spreadable condiment. Then came the happiest day of my life, or so I thought.

I was grocery shopping, when I turned and was frozen by one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen to that date. There was a moment of shock when I couldn't even breathe. Finally, my motion returned to me but I was still unable to truly comprehend what was before my eyes. Kraft, or Hellmann's, or someone, had finally read my letters and listen listened to my cries for help. There it was. Before I knew it a bottle was in my grocery cart and I was on my way, eager to get home and make something with mayonnaise in it.

Initial reviews were a success. The portions took a little getting used to. The squeeze bottle dispenses quite quickly, so the first few sandwiches were a little mayonnaise-friendly, if you will. By the time I got the hang of it the first bottle was gone.

That was quick.

Normally a bottle of mayonnaise lasts me a few months. Upon further inspection, there's still lots of mayonnaise in the bottle. Must be a design flaw. To the trusty cutlery drawer for some assistance. The knife seems to offer some help, but quickly the reserve is empty again. The knife has been rendered useless, but there's still mayonnaise remaining in the bottle.

Didn't I pay a lot more for the luxury of squeeze mayonnaise?

In theory, squeeze mayonnaise is an outstanding idea. It theory, communism works. Now, my fridge is stocked with spreadable mayonnaise. I will never forget my experience with squeeze mayonnaise. Quite possibly the most disappointing moment of my life. It was difficult to dream after that terrifying turn of events. My world, my hopes and dream, vanished in an instant. Squeeze mayonnaise just didn't cut the mustard. (BOOOOOO!!!!)

Condiments are out of control these days. There's far too much variety. Variety is the spice of life, not the condiment of life. Simplicity is the condiment of life.