Welcome to a new semi-regular feature of 3dg, a live interview with the stars you thought (or rather hoped) you'd never hear from again.

Today's spotlight takes us back to every Saturday morning from 1988-1993. It was a time of turmoil for us children of the 80s. The drunken Captain of the Exxon Valdez had played chicken with a reef, and lost; Chinese protesters were getting run over by tanks in Tiananmen Square; and Big Daddy Bush was getting set to invade a little unknown corner of the world called Iraq.

But in living room's all across america, none of that mattered to us. We would wake up in the morning, run downstairs, grab a bowl of Honeycomb's, and sing along.



And for the next half hour we would watch Zach forget that he was on a tv show and try to talk to the audience. We'd drool over Kelly Kapowski, knowing that she would someday be ours. We'd laugh at Screech, not realizing that we were at least as geeky, if not geekier, than he. We'd listen to Jessie's political views and wonder what was underneath that tight fitting blouse. Oh, and Slater and Lisa were there too, but I barely remember what their point was (can you say minority representation).

Today, the Gulf War is long over and there is nothing but peace in the mid-east. The Exxon Valdez disaster led to the development of cleaner, energy efficient fuels (can you imagine, back in the 90's they had something called smog!) And China is the envy of the world for democracy and human rights.

But where are our friends from Saturday morning? Well, you're in luck. Three Drunk Guys has obtained exclusive interviews with the cast of Saved by the Bell.

3dg: Thank you for speaking to me today, cast of Saved by the Bell.

Zach: We're happy to be here, Billy Bob.

3dg: Tell me, Zach, what have you been doing since Saved by the Bell ended?

Zach: Well, Billy Bob, my name is actually Mark. Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

3dg: Uh, no, I don't think so. I watched you grow up Zach, and I know that you're name is Zach. What, did you think you're too cool for that name? Or are you just a hippy?

Zach: Um, no. Zach was a character I played on Saved by the Bell...

3dg: Yeah, ok, so what you're telling me Zach, is that you've become a huge dick. Next question. Slater, this one's for you.

Slater: My name is actually Mario...

3dg: Alright, you're a dick too. I'll just move right along. Jessie, tell me, what did you do after you graduated from Saved by the Bell?

Jessie: Well, Billy Bob, after Saved by the Bell ended, I did a little film called Showgirls, where I played a stripper trying to make good.

3dg: What! Jessie, Jessie, Jessie. You gave up college to become a whore? I expected more from a fine, upstanding femi-nazi like yourself.

Jessie: No, Billy Bob, I wasn't actually a stripper. I just played one.

3dg: Did you take your clothes off?

Jessie: Well, yes...

3dg: In front of people?

Jessie: Yes.

3dg: Well, then you're a stripper. Did you also have sex?

Jessie: Well, yeah.

3dg: On screen?

Jessie: Yeah.

3dg: Well, you're a whore too. Next question. Lisa, how did you feel about being the only African American portrayed on the show?

Lisa: I felt proud and honoured. Here I was, a young African American girl playing a rich, well-to-do individual. I felt that I was a role model to all of my fans, those living in the...

3dg: Ok, thanks. That's enough for the sound bite. Screech.

Screech: Yes, Billy Bob.

3dg: Are you really as big a dink as you played on television?

Screech: Well, I don't think that's fair. I mean, I was playing a role, and I think I played it quite well.

3dg: So, that's a big stinking yes, then. There was a rumour that you were once dated Full House star Candace Cameron. Is there any truth to that?

Screech: Oh hell yeah, be-yotch. I tapped the shit outta her.

3dg: Uh, yeah. I bet you did, you dink. Mr. Belding, welcome to the 3dg studios. Thank you for taking your time to speak to us today. So tell me, Mr. B, what did you do after Saved by the Bell ended.

Mr. B: Well Billy Bob, after Saved by the Bell ended, I found it very difficult to find any acting gigs. I was typecast as this big, dumb, goofy principal, and nobody wanted to hire me.

3dg: Cry me a fucking river.

Mr. B: So, today, for $19.95, I call people and wish them a happy birthday, or anniversary, or congratulations, or, you know, whatever...

3dg: That's... really... pathetic...

Mr. B: I know. Please give me money.

3dg: Um, get the hell away from me, you sick freak. So is there a Mrs. Belding, Mr. Belding?

Mr. B: Not yet, but I'm hoping someone sitting right here in this room wants the job. [Mr. B looks over at Screech and waves slyly. I punch him]

3dg: And now on to my favorite of the Saved by the Bell alumni, the beautiful Kelly Kapowski. You know Kelly, the happiest day of my childhood was when I found a nude picture of you on the internet. That was back a long time ago, before it became impossible to find porn on the internet.

Kelly: What's the internet?

3dg: Uh, yeah. So what did you do after Saved by the Bell ended.

Kelly: I, like, you know, did some stuff.

3dg: Yeah, that's great.

Kelly: So, you want to have sex?

3dg: And that concludes the interview. Stay tuned next time when we interview the cast of the Smurfs.