I received an email from God today, and of course, as His prophet, it's time to start writing the Gospel according to Billy Bob.

From: god@www.heaven.com
To: accounting@balsom.net
Subject: Re: Re:
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 08:46:46

was a distinct pleasure, and if you stood my back to the could to ignore them. They waited grimly until the guard

unfocused and I realized there was some truth in the Hes here!

who is better qualified to catch a thief than another artist to her fingertips and waited just long enough for

latched onto it and wheeled it inside. As it went by the hallucinations. I hoped. Nowhere in the texts I studied Waiting has always been bad for my nerves. I am a thinker

August 31, 2006

Following the recent terror threat in Tokyo, all electronic devices are no long permitted on board flights to the US. This includes laptops, personal music players, portable movie players, cell phones, and digital watches. Personal television and computers will be available to be rented for $29.99/hour.

November 1, 2006

In light of the recent terror threat discovered in Jamaica, where terrorists have found a way to embed explosives into the fabric of their clothing, travellers will no longer be permitted to wear their own clothes on board the plane. Passengers wishing to wear clothing may purchase a specially designed airplane gown for $99.99.

March 23, 2007

After an FBI investigation turned up a ring of counterfit airplane gown, the FAA has declared that no clothing of any kind can be worn on planes.

September 1, 2007

A recent investigation by Scotland Yard has found terrorists implanting explosive devices into their hair folicles. As a result, all air travellers must first have their entire bodies shaved by airport security. Travellers are advised to report to the airport twelve hours prior to departure in order to avoid delays. A $199.99 barber surcharge will be added to the cost of all flights.

December 13, 2008

Investigators in Australia discovered several explosive devices implanted into the aircraft seats. As a result, aircraft will no longer come equipped with seats. Passengers will be required to be strapped to the floor. A seat removal surcharge of $25 per flight will be charged on all flights.

May 7, 2009

In order to recoup the losses experienced by the airport industry over recent years, Transport Canada has authorized the requirements that all passengers remain standing during flight in order to accommodate more passenger. The seat removal surcharge will be reduced to $19 per flight.

August 12, 2009

The recent terror plot that revealed individuals implanting explosive devices into their thumbs. As a result, all air passengers will be required to remove their thumbs. Airlines will be offering this service for $500 per thumb.

August 15, 2010

In addition to the August 12, 2009 bulletin, airlines will now require all fingers and toes to be removed before flying. In order to keep the costs reasonable, the thumb removal fee will be waived for individuals who have already had their digits removed.

June 11, 2011

With the recent revelation that terrorists can cause their bodies to explode be "wishing really really hard," all passengers will be put into a state of cryogenic sleep for all flights. A cryogenic sleep surcharge of $1999 will be in effect to cover the costs of this ground breaking technology. Passengers are required to check in no less than three weeks prior to departure in order to prepare for cryogenic sleep.

February 15, 2012

Homeland Security, having thwarted an attempt by terrorists to implant exploding DNA into children has resulted in all persons born prior to 2010 to travel in specially designed, blast resistant kennels. A $19.99 kennel rental fee will be required of all passengers.

April 20, 2015

Due to recent advances in gene therapy, passengers will no longer be allowed to fly on airplanes. Effective immediately, all passengers will have their consciousness' downloaded and stored on hard drives on the airplane, and will be uploaded to host bodies upon arrival at their destination. A $10,000 host rental surcharge will be charged to all passengers. Travellers are required to check in eighteen months prior to departure in order to prepare for brain scan.

December 1, 2018

Tragedy struck today as all passengers on board Flight 1221 from London to New York were lost in the first terrorist attack in more than a decade. According to investigators, all souls were lost when a terrorist, posing as a pilot, threw a fridge magnet onto the plane, wiping out all the hard drives, and killing over 100,000 individuals.

January 1, 2020

Due to the terrorist threat facing the world, the International Anti-Terrorist Coalition (IATC) declared that all air flight will be halted.

April 1, 2020

following the publication of special security measures by the IATC, all liquids and gels including canned and bottled beverages, shampoo, suntan lotion, cosmetic creams, toothpaste, hair gel, and other similar consistency are prohibited in all public areas, including malls, sport arenas, stores, parks, buildings, and streets.

This is the coolest thing you'll see today (unless, of course, you see me).

Israeli Tourism is Savaged by War

"Nobody is feeling the effects of the debacle more acutely than El Al Israel Airlines"

Ok, there's a couple of things that seem wrong about this...

First of all, calling the conflict between Israel and Lebanon a "debacle" might be just a little bit trite. I mean, a debacle is when you lose a softball game 20-0 in three innings, or when you and a bunch of buddies accidentally kill a hooker in Las Vegas... When the sky is raining down bombs, I think I would tend to use language like crisis, conflict, or apocalypse.

Second, I find it hard to believe that an airline carrier is suffering more than anyone else in Israel. Call me crazy, but maybe, just maybe, a poor farmer who got blown up by an errant bomb or a soldier who got shot in the throat while on a raid in Lebanon might be feeling the effects just a little more "acutely."

But hey, what do I know?

"Preliminary figures show that tourist arrivals were down by 30% in the first two weeks of the fighting,"

While I'm at it, I'm kind of suprised that tourism is only down 30%. I'd say all things considering, that's not too bad. After all, being surrounded by a sub-continent full of countries that want to wipe you from the face of the planet might not be highlighted in your tourism pamphlet. Given the choice, I think I would book a tour of Purina's dog food factory before I'd book a flight to Tel Aviv...

But hey, what do I know?

Juno and Tanga are fucking animals.

That's all I can say.

Don't get me wrong, it's awesome having them both, since they keep each other occupied.

In any case, here's what I've learned that Tanga has thirteen moods: Sleepy, Asleep, Waking, Drowsy, Lazy, Lethargic, Stretchy, Listless, Yawny, Slumberous, Dozy, Drowsy, and of course, Playful.

Juno, on the other hand, has two moods: Asleep, and Crazy.

Last night, after spending some good playtime with the two animals, I could tell Juno was tired. She was a trooper, and didn't want to give up on any of her play time. I was throwing the tennis ball down the hall, and of course, Tanga would run after like a locomotive (and then slide head first into the door at a good 30 mph). Juno, who's not as fast Tanga persisted, and about the fourth or fifth time I threw the ball down, Juno actually fell asleep in the middle of a trot down the hall.

This does not bode well for the future of my dog. She was running, and then all of a sudden, as if she had narcolepsy, she just collapsed. Her hind legs kept going, but her front paws and head were asleep. I went over to check on her after her little motorboating leggs finally cut out, and was suprised find that she was actually asleep.

No cool-down period... No finding a place to go... Nope, just on or off.

So I went to get a drink, and as I passed by her on the way back, she woke up, and there went again... Full tilt running around like a drunken midget on speed.

Good times.