Wednesday, July 26, 2006 

Vacation update.

By Billy Bob

So I bet a bunch of you are probably asking, "Billy Bob, where's the obnoxiously frequent vacation updates you promised?"

Well, now that my puppy is deathly afraid of my room, I should be able to give you some updates.

Here's some quick and dirty updates:

Camping

We went camping. It was a rip roaring good time. We got several warnings by the same 13 year-old-on-a-power-trip park ranger. Pictures can be found here.

Puppy

Got my puppy. Her name is Juno, and she's an 8 1/2 week old beagle with an attitude. It should be fun. The good news is that she came house trained, and despite some accidents overnight, I'm confident she'll be no problem.

WKRP

I've gotten through only seven episodes of WKRP because I don't want to leave my puppy alone. Although I do have some great posts coming on the greatness of Dr. Johnny Fever, the incredible hotness of Bailey Quarters, and why tossing turkeys from a helicopter can only lead to hilarity.

Doc Jigawatts Poster

JASON!!! POSTER!!!

Without a doubt, there will be more tomorrow. Or whatever.

 

It's sexual and violent

By Billy Bob

If someone came up to me and asked me about our camping trip, I would respond with this 19 second video clip. It pretty much sums the weekend up.

Thursday, July 20, 2006 

Day One Update

By Billy Bob

It seems to me that there are a number of people who are somewhat happy that I'm currently on holidays, and they're not. Perhaps happy isn't the right word. Perhaps jealous, of hateful, or violent would be more appropriate. I can deal with that, because well, I'm on vacation, and you're not, so suck it.

Anyway, just thought I'd update you all on my day.

Woke up.

Peed.

Walked around a little bit.

Yawned.

Ate.

Had a nap.

Peed again.

Another nap.

Ate some more.

Another nap.

Peed.

Napped.

Hmmm... I wonder how my life is going to change when I get my puppy?

 

WKRP in Cincinnati

By Billy Bob

Let me tell you a little about WKRP in Cincinnati. It was a show in the early 80's about a struggling rock 'n roll radio station trying to survive despite the best efforts of it's quirky employees. And there were a lot of them. I have a feeling in the next few weeks, I'll have a lot to say about each and every one of them.

How am I watching WKRP, you ask? Well, I managed to download the first two seasons. These are extremely low quality, and it kind of hurts my heart to watch them, but nonetheless, the shows are absolutely hilarious. One of the funniest shows of the time, if you ask me.

"Gee Billy Bob," you may ask, "are you that cheap that you can't go out and buy the DVD's?" That's a good question, Timmy. The fact is, I would buy the DVD. I mean, I have Quantum Leap and MacGyver, why the hell wouldn't I buy WKRP? I'll tell you why... IT'S NOT OUT ON DVD. That's right. The fourth season of Alf was just released on DVD, but WKRP goes unloved... Something about licensing fees for the music that is in the show (and there's a lot of it) so in the meantime, I'm forced to watch shitty quality shows... I know, I'm leading a rough life... How's everyone's work day going?

 

Billy Bob's Vacation - Day 1: 8:55 AM

By Billy Bob

Well, my vacation has now officially started, as can be seen by anyone carefully watching the countdown timer. Oh, and the banner changed.

What have I done so far? Well, I made the fucking banner... That's all. This vacation is off to a wonderful start.

Next on the agenda: WKRP in Cincinnati.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 

First name: Mr. Middle name: Period. Last name: T

By Billy Bob

 

Virtual Bubble Wrap

By Billy Bob

Why is this so satisfying?

Monday, July 17, 2006 

Billy Bob's Vacation

By Billy Bob

In exactly 45 hours, 13 minutes, and 22 seconds or so, yours truly, Billy Bob, will be on vacation.

Mama always said that vacation's when you go somewhere, and you don't ever come back.

That sounds pretty awful, so I'm going to use 3dg's precise definition of vacation, which is something along the lines of:

When you go get drunk and do fuck all for a few weeks, or you know, whatever.


In any case, in just a couple scant days, I will be beginning my much deserved vacation.

So you may ask, "So Billy Bob, what are you going to do with your time off? Are you going to explore the ancient city buried deep beneath Antarctica? Are you going to broker a peace deal between Israel and Lebanon? Are you going to discover an endless, clean, easy source of energy?

Alas, no. Given my ever so short time away from work, I'm going to do many things, each of which much much more productive than wasting my time trying to better mankind.

So, what am I going to do, you ask? Well, here's what I have planned so far (in no particular order)

- Go camping and go on adventures with Brokebackette to meet white trash.
- Hound Jason endlessly until he finally gets fed up and creates the Doc Jigawatts poster he promised us.
- Purchase and train a puppy to carry out my plans for world domination, or at least, you know, so that it doesn't shit in the house.
- Watch the entire series of WKRP in Cincinnati.
- Learn to rollerblade.
- Kick a whole lot of terrorist ass in 24: The Game.
- Use my puppy to meet chicks.
- Find an authentic, maritime donair in Ottawa.
- Heal the scars and bruises that will inevitably be left once I once again try to learn to rollerblade.
- Drink. A lot.
- Blog the entire debacle.

That's right, I'm going to live(ish)blog my vacation... While you are all painfully toiling away at work, I'll be living the dream. Living the dream. So stay tuned sometime in the next couple of days, when I take over this blog, and it actually becomes worth reading.

Oh, and if you have any ideas of things I can do during my vacation, please, pass them on. I'll pretend to consider them before ridiculing and mocking you.

 

URGENT: BROKEBACK IS NOT QUITTING

By Billy Bob

Well now, isn't that quaint. Lil Brokeback Jeff thinks he can just up and quit this blog. Well Brokeback, think again.

Just like the two gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain, it's as impossible for you to quit 3dg as it is for that gay cowboy to quit that other gay cowboy (What the hell? Two gay cowboys! Now yer jus talkin crazy!)

The scene plays out something like this:

***

[CUE THE MUZZZAK]

Brokebackette: Do you know somebody named 3dg?

Brokeback: We's was fishin buddies.

3dg: You know it could be like dis, like dis always.

Brokeback: It's nobody's biddness but ours.

3dg: I'm from the future. I came here in a time machine that you invented.

Brokeback: I wish I could quit you.

3dg: Yeah, well you can't. Get back on that typewriter, monkey!

***

You see, Brokeback, you can't quit because you never had the choice. You was enlisted, boy! Now, post something hilarious, or else...

Friday, July 14, 2006 

My Generation

By Billy Bob

What was the weather like on November 9, 1799

What was the score of the ball game on June 28, 1914?

What was on sale at the market on September 1, 1939?

I can’t answer these questions. But I can tell you that yesterday, it was a warm 28°C, the Red Sox lost 5-4, and watermelons were $3.99.

In fifty, a hundred, and two hundred years from now, people were care as little about those trivialities as we care about the price of grapes in Napoleonic times. Our children, grand children, and great-great grand children will read about this day, or rather, this time, with the same bored, teary eyes that we learned about the Persian wars, the crusades, and the Industrial Revolution, despite the enormous impact each of these events have had on the course of human history.

Now, I don’t mean to be a naysayer or a skeptic, and I definitely don’t want to seem overdramatic or as though I’m a fear monger, but we are witnessing living history, a moment in time that will forever shape the destiny of the entire planet. Dare I say it, we are living on the cusp of World War III.

The proof is all around us: Bombings in India; Israel invading Lebanon; North Korea testing missiles that can hit the US; Iraqi insurgents decimating American troops. The dominos are falling, and at the moment, there looks to be no way to stop them; no way to stop the house of cards from crumbling.

But who cares?

War, suffering, and tragedy has become little more than entertainment to those of us comfortably sitting at home, watching the thirty second news updates between uninspired performances on American Idol. We shake our heads in momentary disgust as we scan cbc.ca, and then we click on to see the latest pictures of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

After all, what can we do? How can we stop the suicide bomber walking into a café in Jerusalem? How can we stop the planes from dropping bombs on Palestine? How can we stop the missiles flying towards Japan?

But then again, why would we want to?

In North America, we have become complacent. War is entertainment; it doesn’t affect our lives. Sure, we may be inconvenienced by high gas prices, or added security at airports, but in the end, as long as our Tim Horton’s is hot, the internet is working, and there’s a new episode of Lost on, war is relegated to a small corner in the back of our minds.

I can’t help but wonder what our grandparents felt when Hitler invaded Poland and the world was suddenly thrown into another conflict? If I had to guess, I would say that my grandparents woke up, read the paper, shook their heads, and carried on about their everyday business. How could they know that within six years, sixty-two million people would be dead? Every small Newfoundland community lost at least one son to the terrible conflict that resonates through today; four out of every thousand Canadians fell on the battlefields of foreign soil.

But that was a different time. They were the Greatest Generation. They marched silently and without complaint into battle, and came home and rebuilt our nation. We honor these heroes, and thank them for their courage and their sacrifice. At least, we do on November 11. The rest of the year, we curse when a car with a poppy on the license plate cuts us off. Occasionally, we recognize their contribution to our world, but only barely. The nation cries outrage when a picture of three drunken revelers relieving themselves on our most sacred tribute to our heroes; we cry out for blood, but we are forgiving when one of the boys, full of tears, apologizes to veterans across Canada. We pat ourselves on the back for our devotion to those boys who gave their lives, and then we change the channel and watch reruns of Friends, satisfied that we have done our part.

In North America, we don’t believe in war. It’s not that we don’t recognize it exists, or that it has an impact on the world, it’s that we don’t understand it. We can’t appreciate the terror, the sacrifice, and the courage that is necessary in war. We watch Saving Private Ryan and Band of Brothers, and we say we understand. But how can we understand something so evil, so frightening, and so inhuman without ever experiencing it. Ask the families of Captain Nichola Goddard, Corporal Paul Davis, or Master Corporal Timothy Wilson if Stephen Spielberg really captured the true horror of war. As a nation we grieve for our lost soldiers, and then we turn on the hockey game.

We don’t care about war. As long as our status quo remains unaffected, why would we? Until it becomes real, we will never really care. Until the bodies of our heroic brothers and sisters and sons and daughters start filling the airports and each and every one of us knows someone who has served in Afghanistan, it will never be real. A wounded soldier here or a dead soldier there will be filed away in our collective memories, right there behind that head butting soccer player.

Of course, the World Cup is a better conversation piece than the warlords in Sudan. Nobody wants to talk about Chechen rebels unless Jack Bauer is in the same sentence. War is depressing. Sure, it exists, but as long as we don’t talk about it, it will never be real.

For years, I have wondered about my generation. Generation X, as is the accepted term. We’re the generation that came into awareness during the 80s. Overshadowed by the Baby Boomers, we have never felt a connection to our world. We watched the Berlin Wall fall down, but it was not our wall. We saw the Cold War end, but it was not our war. We have witnessed defining moments of the 20th century, but it was not our century. As a generation, we have been called lazy, apathetic, and shallow. The Baby Boomers built our society with their radical social protests of the sixties and seventies, and what did we do with that progress? We watched OJ Simpson in a white bronco. We watched the Monica Lewinksy Scandal. We watched MTV. The defining moment of our generation was the suicide of Kurt Cobain.

That is, until the morning of September 11, 2001. In an instant, our apathetic, materialistic, internet loving generation changed. For a few fleeting moments, we cared about more than our stock options and our email. We watched in terror, and asked how anyone could do such an inhuman thing. We cried and hugged our loved ones, and for just a fleeting moment, we were part of a truly global community. The terror that had otherwise been confined to the rest the world had suddenly sucker punched us, and we couldn’t breathe. For weeks, the sight of the towers collapsing remained fresh in our minds, and we gave our food and our money and our blood. “The terrorists will not win!” We declared.

The terrorists wanted to shake our culture, bring us to our knees. They wanted us to recognize them as a force to be reckoned with. They wanted to scare us. And for a time, they had. But today, barely five years later, it’s safe to say that the terrorists have not won. We watch American Idol every four months, and more of us vote for our favorite star than we do for our leaders. There is a war on terror, but for the average person, that war is nothing but an inconvenience; a footnote in the days events.

Outside of our secluded bubble, the world is falling apart, just as it did in 1799, 1914, and 1939. War is coming, but we don’t care. As long as our gas prices are somewhat reasonable and our internet is fast, who cares what happens in Asia, the Middle East, or Africa? Unfortunately, as to dot.com generation is painfully aware, bubbles burst, and when they do, the inevitable maelstrom of uncertainty comes rushing in.

We are products of the time we are living in, and we have grown up with the fall of communism and the rise of the internet. We live in a peaceful bliss because it’s what we know. Our apathy is our defining trait.

But as a generation, we have a responsibility to the future. Every generation has had it, and every generation has risen to the challenge. That responsibility is to protect our future before handing it off to the next generation. The Greatest Generation fought and stopped tyranny in its tracks. The Baby Boomers fought for equality and justice. And now we must also fight. We must fight for peace.

I don’t call on us to fight for peace by fighting wars. We must look for alternatives. Baby Boomers are still running our world, but we must stand up to them and say “these are your wars, we don’t want them.” We must stand together as a human race. As Christians and Muslims and Jews and Buddhists and Hindus and Atheists, we must stand up to the advancing tanks, and turn away the missiles, and convince the suicide bombers that life is preferable to death.

Let our generation be remembered not as those who fought and died in World War III, but rather let us be remembered as those who fought and stopped World War III.

Because yesterday, it was hot outside. Today, the Red Sox will lose again. And in a hundred years, watermelons will still be on sale.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 

We're a "wonderful and informative web site."

By Billy Bob

Three Drunk Guys: The Beginning of the End

It's true... Just look at the comments from one of our very firstest posts. A very nice individual has "used" our encyclopedia-esque site for "inofmration."

Other reviewers have the following to say:

"Very nice site!"

"Enjoyed a lot!"

"Very cool design!"

"I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you!"

That's right. We were thanked.

And I'd like to give out a special round of applause to these wonderful, and friendly people. Yay car-accident-lawyer! You're the best best-software-downloads. Thanks a bunch, cheapsoftwaredownload. You sound nice, hardcore-1030. And of course, who could ever forget marriot-hotel-and-fort-worth2c-texas and viagra-for-cheap. You guys are the best!

It's nice to have fans.

 

CBC News: Bush can call me 'Steve': Harper

By Billy Bob

CBC News: Bush can call me 'Steve': Harper

And who says hard-hitting journalism is dead?

Thursday, July 06, 2006 

I LOVE LAMP

By Billy Bob

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 

More Mario

By Billy Bob

The real Super Mario Brothers ending.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006 

The McCollough Effect - An On-line Science Exhibit

By Billy Bob

The McCollough Effect - An On-line Science Exhibit

God my brain hurts.

Search

Humor Blog Top Sites

Created by: The Super Lakeport Fantastics

Needs More Cowbell