Not since the great 0.9999999999999... = 1.0 debate have I been so confused... or scared.

Is it wrong that I want a Wii for the sole purpose of playing the Legend of Zelda?

I really don't want to work today. I REALLY do not want to work. I'm avoiding work at all costs. I mean... I'm avoiding working so much that I actually thought to myself - "Hey, self... I think I'll make a blog post". I know... I've hit rock bottom. Again.

My adventure got off to a bad start when I couldn't remember my Blogger user name. Then it occured to me - I haven't made a blog entry in over two months. That's especially bad when you consider the fact that I used to make about 25 a day. Each one better than the last, ofcourse. The best part about this blog is that it never went downhill.

Speaking of this blog never going downhill, has anyone seen any good YouTube videos lately?

The last blog entry that was made on this blog which wasn't just a video or picture was made on the 6th of September. It was two paragraphs about how my fish died. I still miss that fish. The loss of Natalie Portman has left a void in my life which may never be filled. The empty fish tank is a constant reminder which I constantly remember every week or so when I notice the tank doesn't have water in it anymore..... constantly speaking.........

The last real good blog posts were my rant about Alice in Chains (Aug 24th) and Billy Bob's letter he received from God (Aug 19th). And let's face it... those weren't that good.

Infact, you might even say that the only way this blog could be worse is if someone invented a program which takes any webpage and converts its text into street-talkin' jive. I realize you're probably all thinking to yourselves, "Fo' shizzle tha hizzy would be outstandingly spectacular". Let's say, hypothetically, they called it Gizoogle. Now, take my classic blog post, What's the deal with Mustard, and cool-ify it.

What the fuck is a "Hizzy" anyways? According to the Urban Dictionary it means "place of residence". Silly me, I've been calling it a house all this time. Boy is my face red...

Has anyone purchased the most current Fifty Cents compact disk recently?

Back to the point at hand. This blog hasn't only been going downhill because of it's lack of ebonic slang (I ain't playin' nigga) or the fact that it fell of the face of the earth. Well, the inter-earth at least. It's not the blog's lack of content, it's its content that makes it terrible. It because of shit-post for movies. I'll be the first to admit that the movies were hilarious, but you know what else is hilarious - YouTube. For some reason, people just weren't hearding to 3DG in the same numbers they were hearding to YouTube. For some unexplained reason, Google didn't pay us 1.65 Billion dollars for the rights to our blog. I know... I was shocked too. They didn't even make us an offer. Not only that, I offered them everything I own if they would just take it from us and all they did was tell me to stop contacting them filed a restraining order. I must stay at least 1km away from Google at all times.

Back when this blog was in it's prime (yes... we did have a prime) we were actually successful. Not many people know, but we were #71 on the Top 100 Comedy Blogs on the internet for a brief period of time. We were on top of the world. All the money and power three drunk people could ever want at our disposal. We were business masterminds, selling and trading people like Nike. Then, for some reason, the fans just stopped coming. How are we supposed to compete with The Magic Bullet Blog? Personally, I blame the economy.

Other people say the fans stopped coming because the fans never actually came in the first place. Each their own, I suppose.

Can we turn this blog around? Probably not. It's too far removed from reality. Would we turn it around even if we wanted to? Fuck no!!! Blogging is so early 2006. That's, like, so April. Totally... you know.

I think the root of the problem was the combination of the two master blogs. Stevie P's Blog and Balsom's Blog, on their own, were beautiful things. Add Jeff into the equation and disaster ensues. This simple algebra. Try to keep up.

Jeff + anything = bad
anything = good + bad
Therefore - Jeff = bad

I think the moral of the story is that Jeff is bad and the cause of everything that has ever gone wrong with stuff.

The design of a banana proves that God exists and designed bananas.

We still have a blog?!?!?!

Has anyone seen this Shining movie? I thought I've seen all of Jack Nicholson's movies, but this one looks really good!

It's a feel good movie about a struggling writer who learns the true meaning of being a father. I don't know, it looks pretty formulaic, but I think I'll check it out. It is Jack, after all.

R.I.P. Natalie Portman.

Natalie, oh Natalie. You will be missed. The gaping hole your absense will leave in me can never be filled. You lived about 957 times longer than any other fish I've known, and were compensated with fish food. You even out-lived your lovely beautiful children, Luke and Princess Leia. Natalie Portman is survived by her best friend in the world, Tanga.

Speaking of Tanga, I was at Jeff's apartment the other day (or as I like to call it, The United Nations). I was talking down the hall and this Chinese guy was eyein' Tanga. His mouth was watering and he was licking his lips. It was quite disturbing.

I don't know why he got so excited, Tanga would make an terrible egg roll.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php

Why is it that professional athletes can have their numbers retired, yet people are still allowed to name their child Jesus?

Shouldn't that name be retired and a banner be hung up high in the rafters?

I picked up the latest Guitar Legends magazine because I'm a huge dork. I really enjoyed the one a couple months ago on Nirvana. This one was on Pearl Jam, so needless to say it peeked my interest. While reading I learned a lot about Pearl Jam and Chris Cornell and learned about this band I had never known existed before, Mad Season.

By "band" I mean: They put out one album.

Mad Season consists Mike McCready (Pearl Jam's guitarist), Layne Staley (Alice in Chain's singer), the drummer from the Screaming Trees and some guy that Mike McCready met in drug rehab on bass. I downloaded the album and was so impressed I almost went out and bought it. Phenominal.

Then I went to listen to my old Alice in Chains CDs. Much to my surprise, the only cases that still had CDs in them were Dirt and Unplugged. And Unplugged skips something awful!!! The other cases are all empty. That's no good for business. So I downloaded the Alice in the Chains discography. Phenominal.

So I listened to Alice in Chains all yesterday evening. It was glorious. I got to work this morning, and after successfully avoiding work for a few hours, I decided to continue avoid doing work. Much like I'm doing right now.

Can you still call it "work" if you're not "working"?

So I found Alice in Chains' official website, which is cleverly titled aliceinchains.com. To my surprise, one of the first banners says, "Alice in Chains on tour"............

Alice in Chains on tour? I'm no biologist, but isn't that highly unlikely?

For those of you who don't know, Layne Staley, Alice in Chain's lead singer, died on April 5th, 2002. He died the same day as Kurt Cobain, just eight years after. He died much the same as how he lived his life: A mixture of heroin and cocaine.

But back to the issue at hand - Alice in Chains is touring. I have an issue with bands that lose a key member and begin a "How am I going to afford to pay the prostitutes without this band" World Tour. The INXS's. The Gun n' Roses'. It's not like we're talking about an expendable bassist or a replacable drummer here. We're talking about the lead singer. It would have been similar to the Beatles reuniting after Lennon was shot. I'm not comparing was Alice in Chains did to what the Beatles did. I'm just saying it would be similar.

It would be like Dave Groll and Krist Novoselic taking Pat Smears on tour to sing and calling it Nirvana.

Look at Led Zeppelin. Led Zeppelin broke up in 1980 after their drummer, John Bonham, drank himself retarded and choked on his own vomit. Their drummer!!! John Bonham was a really good drummer, but they could have got a lot of people to play for them. It's not like it was the voice of the band. Last time I checked Robert Plant was still putting out solo albums and trashing hotel rooms.

To their credit, Alice in Chains were approached by the producers of Rock Star for their second season, but declined the offer. They got some guy named William DuVall to be Layne Staley II. Apparently he toured with Jerry Cantrell when he did his solo thing.

So, starting September 22nd, Alice in Chains is beginning it's North American tour. On their website, they said, "It's kind of a tribute to Layne and our fans, the people who love these songs. It's not some 'I'm broke and I need the money' situation. We love playing together."

Yeah... I'm sure they're not in it for the money. Since Layne Staley's death, Alice in Chains has released as many compilation albums as they had full length studio albums. The most recent release, "Alice in Chains: Greatest Hits" (released 2001), has ten songs. All ten songs appear on the 1999 compilation, Nothing Safe, which has 15 songs.

Not only that, but they have yet another compilation album, The Essential Alice in Chains, being released September 5th, 2006. Don't worry - this 28 song, two disc album contains the same ten songs as Greatest Hits, Nothing Safe and their box set, Music Bank. At least Music Bank had some previously unreleased material on it.

Did I mention there was a live album too? A band shouldn't release more albums after it's dead than when it was alive. We're not talking about Tupac here.

The endless line of compilation albums makes it seem like they're only in it for the money. Alice in Chains was an incredible band, but it's over. Give it up. No one wants to see Alice in Chains without Layne Staley. You should have invested your money better.

Anyways... Anyone want to go see Alice in Chains play Kool Haus in Toronto with me November 5th?

I received an email from God today, and of course, as His prophet, it's time to start writing the Gospel according to Billy Bob.

From: god@www.heaven.com
To: accounting@balsom.net
Subject: Re: Re:
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 08:46:46

was a distinct pleasure, and if you stood my back to the could to ignore them. They waited grimly until the guard

unfocused and I realized there was some truth in the Hes here!

who is better qualified to catch a thief than another artist to her fingertips and waited just long enough for

latched onto it and wheeled it inside. As it went by the hallucinations. I hoped. Nowhere in the texts I studied Waiting has always been bad for my nerves. I am a thinker

I know how much everyone out there loves The Hip. Be pacient. Wait until the interlude and listen to the original lyrics to Ahead by a Century. I can't understand why they were ever changed.



Someone oughta wash Gordie's mouth out with soap.

August 31, 2006

Following the recent terror threat in Tokyo, all electronic devices are no long permitted on board flights to the US. This includes laptops, personal music players, portable movie players, cell phones, and digital watches. Personal television and computers will be available to be rented for $29.99/hour.

November 1, 2006

In light of the recent terror threat discovered in Jamaica, where terrorists have found a way to embed explosives into the fabric of their clothing, travellers will no longer be permitted to wear their own clothes on board the plane. Passengers wishing to wear clothing may purchase a specially designed airplane gown for $99.99.

March 23, 2007

After an FBI investigation turned up a ring of counterfit airplane gown, the FAA has declared that no clothing of any kind can be worn on planes.

September 1, 2007

A recent investigation by Scotland Yard has found terrorists implanting explosive devices into their hair folicles. As a result, all air travellers must first have their entire bodies shaved by airport security. Travellers are advised to report to the airport twelve hours prior to departure in order to avoid delays. A $199.99 barber surcharge will be added to the cost of all flights.

December 13, 2008

Investigators in Australia discovered several explosive devices implanted into the aircraft seats. As a result, aircraft will no longer come equipped with seats. Passengers will be required to be strapped to the floor. A seat removal surcharge of $25 per flight will be charged on all flights.

May 7, 2009

In order to recoup the losses experienced by the airport industry over recent years, Transport Canada has authorized the requirements that all passengers remain standing during flight in order to accommodate more passenger. The seat removal surcharge will be reduced to $19 per flight.

August 12, 2009

The recent terror plot that revealed individuals implanting explosive devices into their thumbs. As a result, all air passengers will be required to remove their thumbs. Airlines will be offering this service for $500 per thumb.

August 15, 2010

In addition to the August 12, 2009 bulletin, airlines will now require all fingers and toes to be removed before flying. In order to keep the costs reasonable, the thumb removal fee will be waived for individuals who have already had their digits removed.

June 11, 2011

With the recent revelation that terrorists can cause their bodies to explode be "wishing really really hard," all passengers will be put into a state of cryogenic sleep for all flights. A cryogenic sleep surcharge of $1999 will be in effect to cover the costs of this ground breaking technology. Passengers are required to check in no less than three weeks prior to departure in order to prepare for cryogenic sleep.

February 15, 2012

Homeland Security, having thwarted an attempt by terrorists to implant exploding DNA into children has resulted in all persons born prior to 2010 to travel in specially designed, blast resistant kennels. A $19.99 kennel rental fee will be required of all passengers.

April 20, 2015

Due to recent advances in gene therapy, passengers will no longer be allowed to fly on airplanes. Effective immediately, all passengers will have their consciousness' downloaded and stored on hard drives on the airplane, and will be uploaded to host bodies upon arrival at their destination. A $10,000 host rental surcharge will be charged to all passengers. Travellers are required to check in eighteen months prior to departure in order to prepare for brain scan.

December 1, 2018

Tragedy struck today as all passengers on board Flight 1221 from London to New York were lost in the first terrorist attack in more than a decade. According to investigators, all souls were lost when a terrorist, posing as a pilot, threw a fridge magnet onto the plane, wiping out all the hard drives, and killing over 100,000 individuals.

January 1, 2020

Due to the terrorist threat facing the world, the International Anti-Terrorist Coalition (IATC) declared that all air flight will be halted.

April 1, 2020

following the publication of special security measures by the IATC, all liquids and gels including canned and bottled beverages, shampoo, suntan lotion, cosmetic creams, toothpaste, hair gel, and other similar consistency are prohibited in all public areas, including malls, sport arenas, stores, parks, buildings, and streets.