This is just incredible. I definitely need one of these, or at least, will when I start, you know, building stuff. I fully expect to lose a few fingers...

I had a dream last night. If you know what's good for you, you'll stop reading now.

In this dream, we were all preparing for a hurricane that was coming. This was a big one, that was supposed to make Katrina look like a gentle breeze. So we boarded up houses, brought everything inside, and prepared to wait the storm out.

And then the hurricane hit, and as expected, it was a bad one. Roofs flying off houses, trees being uprooted, cars flipping over...

Of course, to make matters worse, we were in the middle of a Zombie attack.

I'd go see a movie about that...

Polymathematics: No, I'm Sorry, It Does.

Ok, my entire worldview has been shattered. Nothing makes sense anymore. I've read the proofs and the comments and scoured the math geek forums, and apparently, 0.9 repeating = 1.

I'm pretty sure this means the rapture is coming upon us, and if it's not, it damn well should be.

I am a defeated man.

I'm not sure why this is distressing me as much as it is. Perhaps it's because I'm logical, or perhaps it's because math hurts my head and I don't really grasp the concept of infinite. In any case, I hope the world doesn't end, but if the cosmos doesn't straighten this bullshit out, I may have to jump start the apocalpyse.

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province.

"We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued," Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday.

"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces joined Confederation and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together causes them to keep jamming."

>

CBC Arts: Tom Cruise tops Forbes star power list

Forbes released the Most 100 Powerful Celebrities. And in case you couldn't guess my reaction, I'm disgusted. Here are the top 10 (along with my enlightening commentary, of course).

1. Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise? Really? The guy is a douche bag wrapped in a dickhead, inside another douche bag. A few years ago, I thought Tom Cruise was one of the top peeps in Hollywood. He usually made good movies, he wasn't a bad actor, and he wasn't crazy. But Tom, let's face it, jumping up and down and declaring your love for Katie Holmes on Oprah... that not only embarrasses yourself, but embarrasses every person in the entire world... even that poor Chinese peasant who doesn't even know what a Tom Cruise is. Oh, and don't even get me started on filling Katie with your short-statured devil seed...

2. The Rolling Stones

Aren't you guys dead yet? My God! Keith Richards recently fell and hurt his head. What is he, like 70? He should be dead... oh wait, he already is dead, he just doesn't know it.

3. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. You make me sick. You have nothing interesting to say, ever. The only reason people like you is because you give away free stuff. Oh, and I also despise you because you unleashed that redneck Dr. Phil on the unsuspecting populace (what has the universe ever done to you, Oprah?)

4. U2

You know, it occurs to me that 3dg hasn't seen one of my Bono rants. I have a feeling that will change in the coming weeks, as my hatred of him, and everything he is consumes my pure and noble soul. Let's just say this... U2 is the worst band in the history of bands. It's not that there music is terrible, because it's not. The problem is that everyone thinks that U2 has great music. I'm not sure what kind of brainwashing Bono and his douchebaggedness has used to control the world, but I'm telling you, if 3dg ever gets hold of the technology, the world will be ours.

And another things, bands like U2 and the Rolling Stones have no right to be "powerful." You're rock stars. Start acting like it. Start destroying hotel rooms, sniffing crack off a hooker's ass, and pissing on historic landmarks. It's your responsibility as rock icons. Don't go telling me to give to AIDS relief and help the homeless. If you want to set an example, get high and jump off a ten story balcony into a swimming pool... Now that gives you street cred.

5. Tiger Woods

Ok, I have no real problem with Tiger Woods... What, he makes good PS2 golf games? I'm not sure he should be here, since he hasn't really done anything special in a few years (except married a super hot groupie). Oh yeah... and he's a GOLFER!

6. Steven Spielberg

Again, no real problem with old SS being up there. He's actually the only person on this list who makes sense as a powerful celebrity. He actually makes movies and such, and they're usually pretty good... not always, of course (Jurassic Park III, I'm looking in your direction).

7. Howard Stern

This guy was a douchebag ten years ago, and he's a douchebag now. His fart and dick jokes weren't funny then, and they're not funny now. Period.

8. 50 Cent

Good God what has this world come to. "Hey ma! You wanna shoot me eight times so I can become famous and shit?" You're a real model, Fiddy. Why don't you shoot some smack and fuck a dead hooker you greasy dirtbag.

9. Cast of The Sopranos

What! That doesn't even make sense. Don't get me wrong, I love the Sopranos, but they piss me off. I mean, really, what has it been, like two years between season 5 and season 6? I mean seriously, what kind of douche bags are running this show? If I were HBO, I would seriously beat the shit out of the entire cast of The Sopranos with a telephone, and tell them to get the fuck back to work. Douches...

10. Dan Brown

Holy shit... I have died and gone to hell. This guy wrote a shitty book using shitty cliche's, and then sold fourty million copies... Fine, I can deal with that. But then he made a movie. I can deal with that too... A lot of shitty books have been made into shitty movies. But then to put him on the top ten list? HORSESHIT!

I'm not sure who I hate the most. Robert Langdon or Sophie... nope, I hate Dan Brown the most.

Here's my list of the Top 10 most powerful celebrities.

1. Billy Bob of Three Drunk Guys

Ok, so I'm a bit biased.




2. Jack Bauer

He kills terrorists with cell phones dammit!



3. Brangelina's Baby

You know this kid is going to be pure entertainment for the next fifty years. I mean, five million dollars for a picture? Now that's star power.

4. Christopher Walken

When this guy talks, you listen... He convinced the entire staff of 3dg that we need more cowbell...



5. Stevie P of Three Drunk Guys

Ok, no one actually buys that I would rank him higher than the penguins from the Simpsons, but if I didn't he would start a war with me, and the last war resulted in this terrible terrible blog... I can't imagine what the outcome of the next one would be. And besides, his obsession with Mario fills up at least half of this blog.



6. The Great Pumpkin

Who doesn't remember the great pumpkin? Poor Linus, sitting out there all night waiting for the great pumpkin... waiting for him to bring presents to all the good boys and girls...



7. Richard Cheese

Who's Richard Cheese, you ask? Well, he's a lounge singer who does covers of popular songs like Hit Me Baby One More Time, American Idiot, Suck My Kiss, and Milkshake. But more importantly, he inspired the creation of the musical supergroup, the Super Lakeport Fantastics.




8. Brokeback Jeff of Three Drunk Guys

He doesn't post often, but he posts well. He would have been ranked higher, but he tends to write his posts out on paper before actually writing them, slowing down the process considerably.



9. Doc Brown

He invented a time machine for cripes sake! A TIME MACHINE!

JIGAWATTS!!!




10. Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay

They wrote the Perfect Strangers theme song baby!

Having completed a half marathon and done further damage to my stress fracture, I decided that it was time that I learned how to rollerblade.

Let me tell you something. It has been at least 15 years since I've skated on ice, and I've never been on rollerblades in my life. In fact, I have a hard time understanding the logic of putting wheels on your feet. Nonetheless, after seeing some punk-ass kids rolling around Wal-Mart with sneakers that had wheels in them, I thought to myself, "I want a pair of those! Here I am, like a chump, walking everywhere!" But after thinking about it, I realized I probably wouldn't be able to find those shoes with wheels in them in my massive foot size, and besides, they are the modern day equivalent of Lawn Darts and Tracer Guns... they seemed like a good idea at the time.

But anyway, I digress. After my brief infatuation with Heely's, I decided to think about rollerblades. I mean, if one wheel on the heel of a sneaker is awesome, imagine four wheels in a row on the bottom of a skate! What could possible go wrong?



So yesterday, I went to SportChek with the intention of purchasing my very own death shoes roller blades.

As I entered the store and located the wall of rollerblades, a nice young punk who looked like a young George McFly came up to me and asked me what I was looking for. "I want rollerblades."

"Well, you've come to the right place."

"Oh really? That's why you have a wall of rollerblades. Here I was, thinking I was in the wrong place. I've never rollerbladed before, and it's been about a decade since I've skated." Ok, so I lied to the guy... I didn't want to seem like a complete douchebag, and I figured telling him I hadn't skated in 15 years would make me look pathetic.

"Well, these ones are great for beginners. They'll help you go fast, and they're smooth, and probably all-in-all exactly what you're looking for. They're only $299.99."

"Uh, yeah... Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly." I said as I rapped his head. "Do you realize what would happen if I strapped on fast rollerblades. I would probably die, and you would be held liable. You wouldn't want that, would you McFly?"

"Of course not, Biff. I wouldn't want that to happen." The little guy said.

"In any case, I'm looking for something a bit cheaper. And you know.... something that won't leave me too dead."

So McFly showed me a nice pair of rollerblades that were on for $159.99, down from $199.99. Still a bit more than I cared to spend, but hey, this is my obsession for the next six days we're talking about! Nothing is too much!

After putting on these wheeled contraptions, I stood up and started rolling... "Oh, this is fun." I said as I gently drifted away from McFly. "Just one question. Why am I going backwards?"

After he got me turned around, he told me to skate to the other side of the store, down this long and menacing aisle. I said sure, because well, I was already drifting in that direction anyway, why the hell not. So as I tried in vain to skate down the store, I tried to keep up a conversation. "So, how about that local sports team and or college?" I asked.

McFly looked stunned, and so I shut up and kept "blading."

Of course, my humiliation didn't end there. Oh no. As I neared the end of the store, this cute girl who worked there, probably 19 or so saw me, and started chuckling. Yup, that did a lot for the old ego.

"Yup... I'm kind of a big deal."

And then another cute staffer, about the same age and about 100 pounds soaking wet came up behind me and said "Don't worry, I gotcha if you fall."

Oh yeah, SportChek employs nothing but the best and the brightest. It's not like I'm 2 1/2 times her size or anything. I was tempted to fall just so I squish her like a bug... teach her a lesson in making fun of patrons. But I didn't think my fragile ego could take it.

Anyway, we got back to the rollerblades, and McFly asked me if I wanted to try another pair. "No, I'll take these." I said. My ego had suffered enough and another trip down the aisle of shame wasn't going to make things any better.

So I left the store, waving a tearful goodbye to McFly and all my new friends at the right place to get rollerblades. My bank card felt lighter... but I had rollerblades and a full suit of armor that would protect me from Roethlisberger's Motorcycle. Upon my arrival at home, I did what any 28 year old man does when he brings home a new, and potentially deadly toy home... I had a nap. I had just rollerbladed two entire lengths of the SportChek store, afterall.

After a very pleasant power nap, I decided to cook supper, grab a beer, and of course, try on my new rollerblades. It was a lot more complicated then it was at the store, but then I realized, at the store, McFly actually did the boots up for me. Yep, ego getting stronger by the minute.

While supper was cooking, I started doing laps around the house. In my mind, I was a picture of grace and style, inching around corners, ramming into walls and fans to stop, and guzzling a beer on those long straight-a-ways. Of course, my sister's constant laughter was an indication that I was not, in fact, as awesome as I thawt. But nonetheless, it was a beginning.

After supper, I decided to get all suited up and go for a short blade down the street... to, you know, show off to the neighbourhood kids.

Apparantly, rollerblading is harder than it looks. I mean, c'mon, it's sneakers with wheels! If I can run a half-marathon, I'm sure I can skate down a little road!

Yeah, not-so-much.

My first mistake was putting my rollerblades on inside. Because then I had to manuever two short, but very hard concrete steps to get down to street level. Faced with the terrible terrible fate of falling on my ass and starting to cry, I decided instead to do what anyone in my position would do. I jumped down onto the grass, doing a barrel roll and jumping up like I had meant to fall.

Then on to the next challenge... the curb. Ok, I know it's only 5" drop, but in rollerblade world, that's like 6". "How the hell do you use these things?" I asked a punk kid who was walking by... I saw the snicker in his eyes, but I wanted to be cool about it... I'm pretty sure I failed.

I decided to then just skate down to the end of the street, and back. Ok, the first obstacle was a speed bump, and I wasn't sure how exactly to tackle that, until I realized the bump didn't span the entire width of the road, and I could go around. As I was navigating the trecherous asphalt barrier, a kid, no more than five or six came flying by, using the speed bump as a ramp, and getting seven or eight inches of air from it. Yep, my is non-existant.

But I did manage to get to the end of the road and back (not before that kid lapped me once more), and back into the house without any injury. All in all, I had been on my rollerblades for about an hour (10 minutes if you don't count the time I was just sitting on the couch drinking a beer with them on). What did I learn? Stopping is harder than it looks, and there's a good chance the only thing that's ever going to stop me is traffic... I'll be playing frogger with the dump trucks, I'm sure.

I'll get better at this whole rollerblading fiasco. And you're going to read all about it here at Three Drunk Guys. From my initial purchase and uneasy beginnings, to me being dropped from a helicopter and rollerblading down Kilimanjaro's slop...

CBC Arts: Mr. Dressup to go off the air

Goodbye Mr. Dressup...

So, who wants to come over and watch Mr. Dressup on DVD with me?

Yeah, I actually jumped on the bed and let out a nice big YEEEEE-HAAAAW...

Brokeback Mountain Parody

For those of you who haven't seen Brokeback Mountain... this is a pretty accurate depiction of the movie.

eBay: Pickton Soil

Nope. I was wrong. This is by far the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

Gotta love eBay.

eBay.co.uk: Leonard Nimoy Mask

I've seen a few things creepier than this.

No, that's a lie. This is the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

Big Spanish Castle

This is seriously cool.

Tim Horton's Drive Thru Menu Reduction Petition

Ok, time for a good old fashioned rant.

Tim Horton's is a truly Canadian establishment, serving up wonderfully addictive coffee, doughnuts, pastries, bagels, sandwiches, and most importantly, iced cappacino. The Tim Horton's drive thru is also a proud Canadian experience.

Unfortunately, that experience has become sullied as of late, as it appears that more and more people are ordering things like toasted bagels and sandwiches through the drive thru. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the toasted bagels and sandwiches, but the truth of the matter is, in a drive thru setting, people who order sandwiches and toasted treats do nothing but gum up the works.

Tim Horton's doesn't accept interac because it slows down their service. Well, you know what else slows down their service? PEOPLE ORDERING THREE SANDWICHES AT THE DRIVE THRU.

I mean, seriously, if you're going to order sandwiches, take the time to park, get out of your car, and go inside. Ordering sandwiches at the drive thru slows everything down, and turns a relatively quick wait in a drive thru to an unbearable torture.

Here are my suggested Tim Horton's drive thru rules of ettiquette... We'll call them Billy Bob's Rules of Tim Horton's Drive Thru Etiquette (catchy title, eh?)

1. Know ahead of time what you want (you're only getting coffee and a doughnut, so it's not really necessary to spend fifteen minutes looking at the menu).

1a. If you don't know what you want, go inside. The drive thru is for people who know what they want, and as the menu is woefully inadequate at convincing you what you want, you might as well bight the bullet and go in.

2. Drive up to the order box and state clearly what you want. Do not exchange pleasantries with the speaker box, because the people behind the order box will mistake it for extra coffee. Do not have a conversation with the order box, do not ask what's good. Simply drive up, and say what you want, nothing more, nothing less.

2a. Do not order sandwiches or a toasted bagel or anything that requires the staff at Tim Horton's to do anything other than pour coffee or pick up a doughnut.

3. While waiting your turn, prepare the money. It's sitting in your change container in your vehicle anyway, and if it's not, prepare the money before you get to the drive thru. Do not spend fifteen minutes fumbling around once you get to the payment window. It took you fifteen minutes to get there, you should have spent the time wisely, rather than talking on your cell phone or air guitaring the latest Enrique Iglesias megahit.

4. Hand the money directly to the person. Correct change is appreciated, but I'm well aware that's not always possible. Do not put the change on the ledge, as more often than not, the Tim Horton's employee will (a) not see it, (b) have to struggle to pick it up, or (c) knock it onto the ground.

4a. If you drop change on the ground, let it go. It belongs to the world now. Consider it a stupid tax.

4b. Tim Horton's does not accept interac. It never has, it never will. Stop trying to pay with it.

5. Pick up your order and immediately drive away. If you have to stop and check your order, at least drive up a car length so the person behind you can get on with his/her business.

5a. If they messed up your order, it's your own fault for (a) ordering something so complex that you should have gone inside in the first place, or (b) you were not clear when you ordered. If you do have to return the order, get out of your car and go inside to get it straightened out. Do not, I repeat, do not try to figure it out at the drive thru window.

In any event, if everyone followed these simple rules, the Tim Horton's drive thru experience would be much more pleasant. We can't really do much about people's drive thru etiquette except educate them, but we can ask Tim Horton's to do all they can. And for that reason, I have drafted a petition that asks Tim Horton's to stop accepting orders for sandwiches and bagels at the drive thru.

It won't solve the problem of lengthy drive thru times, but at least it's a start. Together, we can change the world.

So please, sign my petition.

Tim Horton's Drive Thru Menu Reduction Petition

Three Drunk Guys: Billy Bob Cheetah'd

There have been allegations made that I have somehow "fixed" the results of our poll of the week asking Who's the best 3dg.

At the heart of this controversy is the fact that I, Billy Bob, am running away with the hearts of our millions of fans (and by millions, I mean 60% of them). Not suprisingly, Stevie P only got 20% of the votes, and Brokeback got only 10%. To be fair, he was out of the country with his only fan, Mrs. Brokeback. Suprisingly, only 10% of you wish us dead, and that fills my heart with hope.

In any event, back to the allegation of me endorsing my very own sports drink with Ben Johnson.

Election fraud, as defined by Wikipedia (The Free Encyclopedia) is the deliberate intentional interference with the process of an election. Fraud can be used to inflate the votes for the favored candidate or deflate the votes of the opposition.

Now, looking it at it from a UN Observer stand point, I'm sure you can say that for ever vote cast for me gave me five votes, and technically, I rigged the poll. But you really have to look at it from my point of view. I have a very fragile ego, and to have either Stevie P or Brokeback get a higher approval than me would pretty much destroy me emotionally.

Not buying that? Well, how about this one... I know I'm better Stevie P and Brokeback combined (look at the poll results... it's science!). The truth is, I know I'm right, and the result is far to important to be decided by objective people.

If I've learned anything from Dub-ya, it's that democracy is far to important to be left to the people.

Top 25 Rejected Movie Roles -- notstarring.com

Here's some interesting factoids:

Life is like a dead rapper... You never know when he's gonna put out another album

Tupac Shakur, Dave Chapelle, and David Alan Grier were up for the roles of Bubba in Forrest Gump. Bill Murray and John Travolta were considered for the role of Forrest. I can just see it now... "Hey hey Mr. Kot-tair... Ya wan' som chok-latts?"

GIGAWATTS!!! Nope, just not the same.

Great Scott! Eric Stoltz was supposed to play Marty McFly in Back to the Future (who the hell is Eric Stoltz, anyway?) Jeff Goldblum was to play Doc... Glad that combo didn't work out... otherwise, we might never have heard of JIGAWATTS!!!

I want to see Lord of the Rings, as performed by mexican midget wrestlers.

Sean Connery as Gandalf would have been cool... But Keanu Reeves as Aragorn. That would have been... Neo-riffic... Too bad the didn't cast Kareem-Abdul Jabbar as Samwise... now that would have been interesting. Oh, but wait... there were no black people in Lord of the Rings... Although I'm seeing Denzel Washington as Frodo ("I am the po-lice, er, ring-bearer") and Morgan Freeman as Gandalf... ok, I'll stop now.

Needs more Banthabell

Cristopher Walken as Han Solo... "The Millenium Falcon has a fever... and the only cure is more banthabell." Sylverster Stallone, Kurt Russell, Burt Reynolds, and Al Pacino were also up for the role of Han Solo. My bladder hurts thinking about any of those choices.

John Travolta was up for Luke Skywalker too. "Hey hey, Mr. Kot-tair, I jas blew up dat dethstar thingy."

On the subject of Star Wars, it would have been interesting to see Chewy played by a midget.

It is not the spoon that bends, it is only your shitty acting

Kevin Costner as Neo... yep. Had to read that one twice too.

I think the best was the line from Will Smith, who wanted the part of Neo, but was happy because, and I quote, "Keanu was brilliant as Neo." Alright Will, get to the back of the short bus... First rule of the internet, you never, never use the words Keanu and brilliant in the same sentance. Seriously though, I think Johnny Depp, Val Kilmer or Ewan McGregor would have done a pretty good job as Neo.

Then there's Lou Diamond Phillips, who was sent the script but his agent told him that the movie would flop. Five bucks says that agent's fired now... Hey Lou, get back to hosting shitty reality TV.


I'll be aquitted

OJ Simpson as the Terminator? He didn't get it because the producers feared he wouldn't be taken seriously? Wow, take a bow, Mr. Obvious.

Mel Gibson as the Terminator? No comment.

Oh look... a manly horse-shit and gunpowder movie!

Matt Damon, Colin Farrell, and Josh Hartnett were considered for the third gayest cowboy movie ever... But rumour has it they've signed up for the sequal... Brokeback does Dallas.

Um, how come you can receive weak signals from space, but you can't use a radio in the Louvre?

Ok, in my mind, there is only one set of actors who could have done justice to the book... You know who I'm talking about... Keanu Reeves as Robert Langdon and Sandra Bullock as Sophie. Of course, they do have that credibility from Speed to maintain.

Edgar as Stay Puft? I could see it

Imagine this lineup as the Ghostbusters:

John Belushi as Peter Venkman
Eddie Murphy as Winston
John Candy as Rick Moranis' character
Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) as Gozer

Now that would have been something... but thankfully, we have our Bill Murray, and the token black guy who played Winston. It would have been interesting to see Pee Wee herman up there on top of the building with fire and brimstone shooting from the sky, only to have big Pee Wee start diddling little pee wee... Did I cross a line?

Your Picks... Ok, actually more of my picks

Well, that's all I have for this train wreck of a p0st... but let's start a little discussion in the comments here. When George Lucas starts running out of money and redubs Star Wars using current actors, who will he use? Here's my version, using members of the Frat Pack...

Luke Skywalker - Luke Wilson
Han Solo - Vince Vaughan
Chewbacca - Jack Black
Leia - Jennifer Aniston
Obi Wan - Will Farrell
Lando Calrissian - Snoop Dogg
Darth Vader - Steve Carrell
C3P0 - Owen Wilson
R2D2 - Ben Stiller
Yoda - Paul Rudd
The Emporer - David Koechner (Champ Kind, from Anchorman)

That would be the best movie EVER!!!

What the hell is going on here?

I leave for a week, and all of a sudden the blog comes to a grinding halt! Our banner has been graffitied, and there's a pictographic history of the goomba? What the hell is going on here?

Things have got to change! That's all I'm saying. And now that I'm back in business, look out Stevie P. I'm going to give you run over you with a tractor. Brokeback is going to use his patented finishing move, the Rainbow Backbreaker to knock you back on track WOOOOOO!!!

Just a preview of things to come now that I'm back in business? Well, you'd be suprised at how many rants I can work up during a move. And during my move, I learned a lot about democracy, and petitions. So be on the lookout for some great petitions that will shake the foundation of our society... Tim Horton's, I'm looking in your direction.

So, for those of you who have been avoiding this terrible terrible blog while Brokeback and I have been away, fear not, you can now return. Sanity has returned to the blogosphere.

Sincerely,
Some Jerk