Top 10 Most Powerful Celebrities
By Billy Bob
CBC Arts: Tom Cruise tops Forbes star power list
Forbes released the Most 100 Powerful Celebrities. And in case you couldn't guess my reaction, I'm disgusted. Here are the top 10 (along with my enlightening commentary, of course).
1. Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise? Really? The guy is a douche bag wrapped in a dickhead, inside another douche bag. A few years ago, I thought Tom Cruise was one of the top peeps in Hollywood. He usually made good movies, he wasn't a bad actor, and he wasn't crazy. But Tom, let's face it, jumping up and down and declaring your love for Katie Holmes on Oprah... that not only embarrasses yourself, but embarrasses every person in the entire world... even that poor Chinese peasant who doesn't even know what a Tom Cruise is. Oh, and don't even get me started on filling Katie with your short-statured devil seed...
2. The Rolling Stones
Aren't you guys dead yet? My God! Keith Richards recently fell and hurt his head. What is he, like 70? He should be dead... oh wait, he already is dead, he just doesn't know it.
3. Oprah Winfrey
Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. You make me sick. You have nothing interesting to say, ever. The only reason people like you is because you give away free stuff. Oh, and I also despise you because you unleashed that redneck Dr. Phil on the unsuspecting populace (what has the universe ever done to you, Oprah?)
4. U2
You know, it occurs to me that 3dg hasn't seen one of my Bono rants. I have a feeling that will change in the coming weeks, as my hatred of him, and everything he is consumes my pure and noble soul. Let's just say this... U2 is the worst band in the history of bands. It's not that there music is terrible, because it's not. The problem is that everyone thinks that U2 has great music. I'm not sure what kind of brainwashing Bono and his douchebaggedness has used to control the world, but I'm telling you, if 3dg ever gets hold of the technology, the world will be ours.
And another things, bands like U2 and the Rolling Stones have no right to be "powerful." You're rock stars. Start acting like it. Start destroying hotel rooms, sniffing crack off a hooker's ass, and pissing on historic landmarks. It's your responsibility as rock icons. Don't go telling me to give to AIDS relief and help the homeless. If you want to set an example, get high and jump off a ten story balcony into a swimming pool... Now that gives you street cred.
5. Tiger Woods
Ok, I have no real problem with Tiger Woods... What, he makes good PS2 golf games? I'm not sure he should be here, since he hasn't really done anything special in a few years (except married a super hot groupie). Oh yeah... and he's a GOLFER!
6. Steven Spielberg
Again, no real problem with old SS being up there. He's actually the only person on this list who makes sense as a powerful celebrity. He actually makes movies and such, and they're usually pretty good... not always, of course (Jurassic Park III, I'm looking in your direction).
7. Howard Stern
This guy was a douchebag ten years ago, and he's a douchebag now. His fart and dick jokes weren't funny then, and they're not funny now. Period.
8. 50 Cent
Good God what has this world come to. "Hey ma! You wanna shoot me eight times so I can become famous and shit?" You're a real model, Fiddy. Why don't you shoot some smack and fuck a dead hooker you greasy dirtbag.
9. Cast of The Sopranos
What! That doesn't even make sense. Don't get me wrong, I love the Sopranos, but they piss me off. I mean, really, what has it been, like two years between season 5 and season 6? I mean seriously, what kind of douche bags are running this show? If I were HBO, I would seriously beat the shit out of the entire cast of The Sopranos with a telephone, and tell them to get the fuck back to work. Douches...
10. Dan Brown
Holy shit... I have died and gone to hell. This guy wrote a shitty book using shitty cliche's, and then sold fourty million copies... Fine, I can deal with that. But then he made a movie. I can deal with that too... A lot of shitty books have been made into shitty movies. But then to put him on the top ten list? HORSESHIT!
I'm not sure who I hate the most. Robert Langdon or Sophie... nope, I hate Dan Brown the most.
Here's my list of the Top 10 most powerful celebrities.
1. Billy Bob of Three Drunk Guys
Ok, so I'm a bit biased.
2. Jack Bauer
He kills terrorists with cell phones dammit!
3. Brangelina's Baby
You know this kid is going to be pure entertainment for the next fifty years. I mean, five million dollars for a picture? Now that's star power.
4. Christopher Walken
When this guy talks, you listen... He convinced the entire staff of 3dg that we need more cowbell...
5. Stevie P of Three Drunk Guys
Ok, no one actually buys that I would rank him higher than the penguins from the Simpsons, but if I didn't he would start a war with me, and the last war resulted in this terrible terrible blog... I can't imagine what the outcome of the next one would be. And besides, his obsession with Mario fills up at least half of this blog.
6. The Great Pumpkin
Who doesn't remember the great pumpkin? Poor Linus, sitting out there all night waiting for the great pumpkin... waiting for him to bring presents to all the good boys and girls...
7. Richard Cheese
Who's Richard Cheese, you ask? Well, he's a lounge singer who does covers of popular songs like Hit Me Baby One More Time, American Idiot, Suck My Kiss, and Milkshake. But more importantly, he inspired the creation of the musical supergroup, the Super Lakeport Fantastics.
8. Brokeback Jeff of Three Drunk Guys
He doesn't post often, but he posts well. He would have been ranked higher, but he tends to write his posts out on paper before actually writing them, slowing down the process considerably.
9. Doc Brown
He invented a time machine for cripes sake! A TIME MACHINE!
JIGAWATTS!!!
10. Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay
They wrote the Perfect Strangers theme song baby!
Forbes released the Most 100 Powerful Celebrities. And in case you couldn't guess my reaction, I'm disgusted. Here are the top 10 (along with my enlightening commentary, of course).
1. Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise? Really? The guy is a douche bag wrapped in a dickhead, inside another douche bag. A few years ago, I thought Tom Cruise was one of the top peeps in Hollywood. He usually made good movies, he wasn't a bad actor, and he wasn't crazy. But Tom, let's face it, jumping up and down and declaring your love for Katie Holmes on Oprah... that not only embarrasses yourself, but embarrasses every person in the entire world... even that poor Chinese peasant who doesn't even know what a Tom Cruise is. Oh, and don't even get me started on filling Katie with your short-statured devil seed...
2. The Rolling Stones
Aren't you guys dead yet? My God! Keith Richards recently fell and hurt his head. What is he, like 70? He should be dead... oh wait, he already is dead, he just doesn't know it.
3. Oprah Winfrey
Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. You make me sick. You have nothing interesting to say, ever. The only reason people like you is because you give away free stuff. Oh, and I also despise you because you unleashed that redneck Dr. Phil on the unsuspecting populace (what has the universe ever done to you, Oprah?)
4. U2
You know, it occurs to me that 3dg hasn't seen one of my Bono rants. I have a feeling that will change in the coming weeks, as my hatred of him, and everything he is consumes my pure and noble soul. Let's just say this... U2 is the worst band in the history of bands. It's not that there music is terrible, because it's not. The problem is that everyone thinks that U2 has great music. I'm not sure what kind of brainwashing Bono and his douchebaggedness has used to control the world, but I'm telling you, if 3dg ever gets hold of the technology, the world will be ours.
And another things, bands like U2 and the Rolling Stones have no right to be "powerful." You're rock stars. Start acting like it. Start destroying hotel rooms, sniffing crack off a hooker's ass, and pissing on historic landmarks. It's your responsibility as rock icons. Don't go telling me to give to AIDS relief and help the homeless. If you want to set an example, get high and jump off a ten story balcony into a swimming pool... Now that gives you street cred.
5. Tiger Woods
Ok, I have no real problem with Tiger Woods... What, he makes good PS2 golf games? I'm not sure he should be here, since he hasn't really done anything special in a few years (except married a super hot groupie). Oh yeah... and he's a GOLFER!
6. Steven Spielberg
Again, no real problem with old SS being up there. He's actually the only person on this list who makes sense as a powerful celebrity. He actually makes movies and such, and they're usually pretty good... not always, of course (Jurassic Park III, I'm looking in your direction).
7. Howard Stern
This guy was a douchebag ten years ago, and he's a douchebag now. His fart and dick jokes weren't funny then, and they're not funny now. Period.
8. 50 Cent
Good God what has this world come to. "Hey ma! You wanna shoot me eight times so I can become famous and shit?" You're a real model, Fiddy. Why don't you shoot some smack and fuck a dead hooker you greasy dirtbag.
9. Cast of The Sopranos
What! That doesn't even make sense. Don't get me wrong, I love the Sopranos, but they piss me off. I mean, really, what has it been, like two years between season 5 and season 6? I mean seriously, what kind of douche bags are running this show? If I were HBO, I would seriously beat the shit out of the entire cast of The Sopranos with a telephone, and tell them to get the fuck back to work. Douches...
10. Dan Brown
Holy shit... I have died and gone to hell. This guy wrote a shitty book using shitty cliche's, and then sold fourty million copies... Fine, I can deal with that. But then he made a movie. I can deal with that too... A lot of shitty books have been made into shitty movies. But then to put him on the top ten list? HORSESHIT!
I'm not sure who I hate the most. Robert Langdon or Sophie... nope, I hate Dan Brown the most.
Here's my list of the Top 10 most powerful celebrities.
1. Billy Bob of Three Drunk Guys
Ok, so I'm a bit biased.
2. Jack Bauer
He kills terrorists with cell phones dammit!
3. Brangelina's Baby
You know this kid is going to be pure entertainment for the next fifty years. I mean, five million dollars for a picture? Now that's star power.4. Christopher Walken
When this guy talks, you listen... He convinced the entire staff of 3dg that we need more cowbell...
5. Stevie P of Three Drunk Guys
Ok, no one actually buys that I would rank him higher than the penguins from the Simpsons, but if I didn't he would start a war with me, and the last war resulted in this terrible terrible blog... I can't imagine what the outcome of the next one would be. And besides, his obsession with Mario fills up at least half of this blog.
6. The Great Pumpkin
Who doesn't remember the great pumpkin? Poor Linus, sitting out there all night waiting for the great pumpkin... waiting for him to bring presents to all the good boys and girls...
7. Richard Cheese
Who's Richard Cheese, you ask? Well, he's a lounge singer who does covers of popular songs like Hit Me Baby One More Time, American Idiot, Suck My Kiss, and Milkshake. But more importantly, he inspired the creation of the musical supergroup, the Super Lakeport Fantastics.
8. Brokeback Jeff of Three Drunk Guys
He doesn't post often, but he posts well. He would have been ranked higher, but he tends to write his posts out on paper before actually writing them, slowing down the process considerably.
9. Doc Brown
He invented a time machine for cripes sake! A TIME MACHINE!
JIGAWATTS!!!
10. Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay
They wrote the Perfect Strangers theme song baby!
