Terrorist Alert
By Billy Bob
August 31, 2006
Following the recent terror threat in Tokyo, all electronic devices are no long permitted on board flights to the US. This includes laptops, personal music players, portable movie players, cell phones, and digital watches. Personal television and computers will be available to be rented for $29.99/hour.
November 1, 2006
In light of the recent terror threat discovered in Jamaica, where terrorists have found a way to embed explosives into the fabric of their clothing, travellers will no longer be permitted to wear their own clothes on board the plane. Passengers wishing to wear clothing may purchase a specially designed airplane gown for $99.99.
March 23, 2007
After an FBI investigation turned up a ring of counterfit airplane gown, the FAA has declared that no clothing of any kind can be worn on planes.
September 1, 2007
A recent investigation by Scotland Yard has found terrorists implanting explosive devices into their hair folicles. As a result, all air travellers must first have their entire bodies shaved by airport security. Travellers are advised to report to the airport twelve hours prior to departure in order to avoid delays. A $199.99 barber surcharge will be added to the cost of all flights.
December 13, 2008
Investigators in Australia discovered several explosive devices implanted into the aircraft seats. As a result, aircraft will no longer come equipped with seats. Passengers will be required to be strapped to the floor. A seat removal surcharge of $25 per flight will be charged on all flights.
May 7, 2009
In order to recoup the losses experienced by the airport industry over recent years, Transport Canada has authorized the requirements that all passengers remain standing during flight in order to accommodate more passenger. The seat removal surcharge will be reduced to $19 per flight.
August 12, 2009
The recent terror plot that revealed individuals implanting explosive devices into their thumbs. As a result, all air passengers will be required to remove their thumbs. Airlines will be offering this service for $500 per thumb.
August 15, 2010
In addition to the August 12, 2009 bulletin, airlines will now require all fingers and toes to be removed before flying. In order to keep the costs reasonable, the thumb removal fee will be waived for individuals who have already had their digits removed.
June 11, 2011
With the recent revelation that terrorists can cause their bodies to explode be "wishing really really hard," all passengers will be put into a state of cryogenic sleep for all flights. A cryogenic sleep surcharge of $1999 will be in effect to cover the costs of this ground breaking technology. Passengers are required to check in no less than three weeks prior to departure in order to prepare for cryogenic sleep.
February 15, 2012
Homeland Security, having thwarted an attempt by terrorists to implant exploding DNA into children has resulted in all persons born prior to 2010 to travel in specially designed, blast resistant kennels. A $19.99 kennel rental fee will be required of all passengers.
April 20, 2015
Due to recent advances in gene therapy, passengers will no longer be allowed to fly on airplanes. Effective immediately, all passengers will have their consciousness' downloaded and stored on hard drives on the airplane, and will be uploaded to host bodies upon arrival at their destination. A $10,000 host rental surcharge will be charged to all passengers. Travellers are required to check in eighteen months prior to departure in order to prepare for brain scan.
December 1, 2018
Tragedy struck today as all passengers on board Flight 1221 from London to New York were lost in the first terrorist attack in more than a decade. According to investigators, all souls were lost when a terrorist, posing as a pilot, threw a fridge magnet onto the plane, wiping out all the hard drives, and killing over 100,000 individuals.
January 1, 2020
Due to the terrorist threat facing the world, the International Anti-Terrorist Coalition (IATC) declared that all air flight will be halted.
April 1, 2020
following the publication of special security measures by the IATC, all liquids and gels including canned and bottled beverages, shampoo, suntan lotion, cosmetic creams, toothpaste, hair gel, and other similar consistency are prohibited in all public areas, including malls, sport arenas, stores, parks, buildings, and streets.
Following the recent terror threat in Tokyo, all electronic devices are no long permitted on board flights to the US. This includes laptops, personal music players, portable movie players, cell phones, and digital watches. Personal television and computers will be available to be rented for $29.99/hour.
November 1, 2006
In light of the recent terror threat discovered in Jamaica, where terrorists have found a way to embed explosives into the fabric of their clothing, travellers will no longer be permitted to wear their own clothes on board the plane. Passengers wishing to wear clothing may purchase a specially designed airplane gown for $99.99.
March 23, 2007
After an FBI investigation turned up a ring of counterfit airplane gown, the FAA has declared that no clothing of any kind can be worn on planes.
September 1, 2007
A recent investigation by Scotland Yard has found terrorists implanting explosive devices into their hair folicles. As a result, all air travellers must first have their entire bodies shaved by airport security. Travellers are advised to report to the airport twelve hours prior to departure in order to avoid delays. A $199.99 barber surcharge will be added to the cost of all flights.
December 13, 2008
Investigators in Australia discovered several explosive devices implanted into the aircraft seats. As a result, aircraft will no longer come equipped with seats. Passengers will be required to be strapped to the floor. A seat removal surcharge of $25 per flight will be charged on all flights.
May 7, 2009
In order to recoup the losses experienced by the airport industry over recent years, Transport Canada has authorized the requirements that all passengers remain standing during flight in order to accommodate more passenger. The seat removal surcharge will be reduced to $19 per flight.
August 12, 2009
The recent terror plot that revealed individuals implanting explosive devices into their thumbs. As a result, all air passengers will be required to remove their thumbs. Airlines will be offering this service for $500 per thumb.
August 15, 2010
In addition to the August 12, 2009 bulletin, airlines will now require all fingers and toes to be removed before flying. In order to keep the costs reasonable, the thumb removal fee will be waived for individuals who have already had their digits removed.
June 11, 2011
With the recent revelation that terrorists can cause their bodies to explode be "wishing really really hard," all passengers will be put into a state of cryogenic sleep for all flights. A cryogenic sleep surcharge of $1999 will be in effect to cover the costs of this ground breaking technology. Passengers are required to check in no less than three weeks prior to departure in order to prepare for cryogenic sleep.
February 15, 2012
Homeland Security, having thwarted an attempt by terrorists to implant exploding DNA into children has resulted in all persons born prior to 2010 to travel in specially designed, blast resistant kennels. A $19.99 kennel rental fee will be required of all passengers.
April 20, 2015
Due to recent advances in gene therapy, passengers will no longer be allowed to fly on airplanes. Effective immediately, all passengers will have their consciousness' downloaded and stored on hard drives on the airplane, and will be uploaded to host bodies upon arrival at their destination. A $10,000 host rental surcharge will be charged to all passengers. Travellers are required to check in eighteen months prior to departure in order to prepare for brain scan.
December 1, 2018
Tragedy struck today as all passengers on board Flight 1221 from London to New York were lost in the first terrorist attack in more than a decade. According to investigators, all souls were lost when a terrorist, posing as a pilot, threw a fridge magnet onto the plane, wiping out all the hard drives, and killing over 100,000 individuals.
January 1, 2020
Due to the terrorist threat facing the world, the International Anti-Terrorist Coalition (IATC) declared that all air flight will be halted.
April 1, 2020
following the publication of special security measures by the IATC, all liquids and gels including canned and bottled beverages, shampoo, suntan lotion, cosmetic creams, toothpaste, hair gel, and other similar consistency are prohibited in all public areas, including malls, sport arenas, stores, parks, buildings, and streets.
