Not since the great 0.9999999999999... = 1.0 debate have I been so confused... or scared.

Is it wrong that I want a Wii for the sole purpose of playing the Legend of Zelda?

The design of a banana proves that God exists and designed bananas.

We still have a blog?!?!?!

Has anyone seen this Shining movie? I thought I've seen all of Jack Nicholson's movies, but this one looks really good!

It's a feel good movie about a struggling writer who learns the true meaning of being a father. I don't know, it looks pretty formulaic, but I think I'll check it out. It is Jack, after all.

I received an email from God today, and of course, as His prophet, it's time to start writing the Gospel according to Billy Bob.

From: god@www.heaven.com
To: accounting@balsom.net
Subject: Re: Re:
Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 08:46:46

was a distinct pleasure, and if you stood my back to the could to ignore them. They waited grimly until the guard

unfocused and I realized there was some truth in the Hes here!

who is better qualified to catch a thief than another artist to her fingertips and waited just long enough for

latched onto it and wheeled it inside. As it went by the hallucinations. I hoped. Nowhere in the texts I studied Waiting has always been bad for my nerves. I am a thinker

August 31, 2006

Following the recent terror threat in Tokyo, all electronic devices are no long permitted on board flights to the US. This includes laptops, personal music players, portable movie players, cell phones, and digital watches. Personal television and computers will be available to be rented for $29.99/hour.

November 1, 2006

In light of the recent terror threat discovered in Jamaica, where terrorists have found a way to embed explosives into the fabric of their clothing, travellers will no longer be permitted to wear their own clothes on board the plane. Passengers wishing to wear clothing may purchase a specially designed airplane gown for $99.99.

March 23, 2007

After an FBI investigation turned up a ring of counterfit airplane gown, the FAA has declared that no clothing of any kind can be worn on planes.

September 1, 2007

A recent investigation by Scotland Yard has found terrorists implanting explosive devices into their hair folicles. As a result, all air travellers must first have their entire bodies shaved by airport security. Travellers are advised to report to the airport twelve hours prior to departure in order to avoid delays. A $199.99 barber surcharge will be added to the cost of all flights.

December 13, 2008

Investigators in Australia discovered several explosive devices implanted into the aircraft seats. As a result, aircraft will no longer come equipped with seats. Passengers will be required to be strapped to the floor. A seat removal surcharge of $25 per flight will be charged on all flights.

May 7, 2009

In order to recoup the losses experienced by the airport industry over recent years, Transport Canada has authorized the requirements that all passengers remain standing during flight in order to accommodate more passenger. The seat removal surcharge will be reduced to $19 per flight.

August 12, 2009

The recent terror plot that revealed individuals implanting explosive devices into their thumbs. As a result, all air passengers will be required to remove their thumbs. Airlines will be offering this service for $500 per thumb.

August 15, 2010

In addition to the August 12, 2009 bulletin, airlines will now require all fingers and toes to be removed before flying. In order to keep the costs reasonable, the thumb removal fee will be waived for individuals who have already had their digits removed.

June 11, 2011

With the recent revelation that terrorists can cause their bodies to explode be "wishing really really hard," all passengers will be put into a state of cryogenic sleep for all flights. A cryogenic sleep surcharge of $1999 will be in effect to cover the costs of this ground breaking technology. Passengers are required to check in no less than three weeks prior to departure in order to prepare for cryogenic sleep.

February 15, 2012

Homeland Security, having thwarted an attempt by terrorists to implant exploding DNA into children has resulted in all persons born prior to 2010 to travel in specially designed, blast resistant kennels. A $19.99 kennel rental fee will be required of all passengers.

April 20, 2015

Due to recent advances in gene therapy, passengers will no longer be allowed to fly on airplanes. Effective immediately, all passengers will have their consciousness' downloaded and stored on hard drives on the airplane, and will be uploaded to host bodies upon arrival at their destination. A $10,000 host rental surcharge will be charged to all passengers. Travellers are required to check in eighteen months prior to departure in order to prepare for brain scan.

December 1, 2018

Tragedy struck today as all passengers on board Flight 1221 from London to New York were lost in the first terrorist attack in more than a decade. According to investigators, all souls were lost when a terrorist, posing as a pilot, threw a fridge magnet onto the plane, wiping out all the hard drives, and killing over 100,000 individuals.

January 1, 2020

Due to the terrorist threat facing the world, the International Anti-Terrorist Coalition (IATC) declared that all air flight will be halted.

April 1, 2020

following the publication of special security measures by the IATC, all liquids and gels including canned and bottled beverages, shampoo, suntan lotion, cosmetic creams, toothpaste, hair gel, and other similar consistency are prohibited in all public areas, including malls, sport arenas, stores, parks, buildings, and streets.

This is the coolest thing you'll see today (unless, of course, you see me).

Israeli Tourism is Savaged by War

"Nobody is feeling the effects of the debacle more acutely than El Al Israel Airlines"

Ok, there's a couple of things that seem wrong about this...

First of all, calling the conflict between Israel and Lebanon a "debacle" might be just a little bit trite. I mean, a debacle is when you lose a softball game 20-0 in three innings, or when you and a bunch of buddies accidentally kill a hooker in Las Vegas... When the sky is raining down bombs, I think I would tend to use language like crisis, conflict, or apocalypse.

Second, I find it hard to believe that an airline carrier is suffering more than anyone else in Israel. Call me crazy, but maybe, just maybe, a poor farmer who got blown up by an errant bomb or a soldier who got shot in the throat while on a raid in Lebanon might be feeling the effects just a little more "acutely."

But hey, what do I know?

"Preliminary figures show that tourist arrivals were down by 30% in the first two weeks of the fighting,"

While I'm at it, I'm kind of suprised that tourism is only down 30%. I'd say all things considering, that's not too bad. After all, being surrounded by a sub-continent full of countries that want to wipe you from the face of the planet might not be highlighted in your tourism pamphlet. Given the choice, I think I would book a tour of Purina's dog food factory before I'd book a flight to Tel Aviv...

But hey, what do I know?

Juno and Tanga are fucking animals.

That's all I can say.

Don't get me wrong, it's awesome having them both, since they keep each other occupied.

In any case, here's what I've learned that Tanga has thirteen moods: Sleepy, Asleep, Waking, Drowsy, Lazy, Lethargic, Stretchy, Listless, Yawny, Slumberous, Dozy, Drowsy, and of course, Playful.

Juno, on the other hand, has two moods: Asleep, and Crazy.

Last night, after spending some good playtime with the two animals, I could tell Juno was tired. She was a trooper, and didn't want to give up on any of her play time. I was throwing the tennis ball down the hall, and of course, Tanga would run after like a locomotive (and then slide head first into the door at a good 30 mph). Juno, who's not as fast Tanga persisted, and about the fourth or fifth time I threw the ball down, Juno actually fell asleep in the middle of a trot down the hall.

This does not bode well for the future of my dog. She was running, and then all of a sudden, as if she had narcolepsy, she just collapsed. Her hind legs kept going, but her front paws and head were asleep. I went over to check on her after her little motorboating leggs finally cut out, and was suprised find that she was actually asleep.

No cool-down period... No finding a place to go... Nope, just on or off.

So I went to get a drink, and as I passed by her on the way back, she woke up, and there went again... Full tilt running around like a drunken midget on speed.

Good times.

So I bet a bunch of you are probably asking, "Billy Bob, where's the obnoxiously frequent vacation updates you promised?"

Well, now that my puppy is deathly afraid of my room, I should be able to give you some updates.

Here's some quick and dirty updates:

Camping

We went camping. It was a rip roaring good time. We got several warnings by the same 13 year-old-on-a-power-trip park ranger. Pictures can be found here.

Puppy

Got my puppy. Her name is Juno, and she's an 8 1/2 week old beagle with an attitude. It should be fun. The good news is that she came house trained, and despite some accidents overnight, I'm confident she'll be no problem.

WKRP

I've gotten through only seven episodes of WKRP because I don't want to leave my puppy alone. Although I do have some great posts coming on the greatness of Dr. Johnny Fever, the incredible hotness of Bailey Quarters, and why tossing turkeys from a helicopter can only lead to hilarity.

Doc Jigawatts Poster

JASON!!! POSTER!!!

Without a doubt, there will be more tomorrow. Or whatever.

If someone came up to me and asked me about our camping trip, I would respond with this 19 second video clip. It pretty much sums the weekend up.

It seems to me that there are a number of people who are somewhat happy that I'm currently on holidays, and they're not. Perhaps happy isn't the right word. Perhaps jealous, of hateful, or violent would be more appropriate. I can deal with that, because well, I'm on vacation, and you're not, so suck it.

Anyway, just thought I'd update you all on my day.

Woke up.

Peed.

Walked around a little bit.

Yawned.

Ate.

Had a nap.

Peed again.

Another nap.

Ate some more.

Another nap.

Peed.

Napped.

Hmmm... I wonder how my life is going to change when I get my puppy?

Let me tell you a little about WKRP in Cincinnati. It was a show in the early 80's about a struggling rock 'n roll radio station trying to survive despite the best efforts of it's quirky employees. And there were a lot of them. I have a feeling in the next few weeks, I'll have a lot to say about each and every one of them.

How am I watching WKRP, you ask? Well, I managed to download the first two seasons. These are extremely low quality, and it kind of hurts my heart to watch them, but nonetheless, the shows are absolutely hilarious. One of the funniest shows of the time, if you ask me.

"Gee Billy Bob," you may ask, "are you that cheap that you can't go out and buy the DVD's?" That's a good question, Timmy. The fact is, I would buy the DVD. I mean, I have Quantum Leap and MacGyver, why the hell wouldn't I buy WKRP? I'll tell you why... IT'S NOT OUT ON DVD. That's right. The fourth season of Alf was just released on DVD, but WKRP goes unloved... Something about licensing fees for the music that is in the show (and there's a lot of it) so in the meantime, I'm forced to watch shitty quality shows... I know, I'm leading a rough life... How's everyone's work day going?

Well, my vacation has now officially started, as can be seen by anyone carefully watching the countdown timer. Oh, and the banner changed.

What have I done so far? Well, I made the fucking banner... That's all. This vacation is off to a wonderful start.

Next on the agenda: WKRP in Cincinnati.

Why is this so satisfying?

In exactly 45 hours, 13 minutes, and 22 seconds or so, yours truly, Billy Bob, will be on vacation.

Mama always said that vacation's when you go somewhere, and you don't ever come back.

That sounds pretty awful, so I'm going to use 3dg's precise definition of vacation, which is something along the lines of:

When you go get drunk and do fuck all for a few weeks, or you know, whatever.

In any case, in just a couple scant days, I will be beginning my much deserved vacation.

So you may ask, "So Billy Bob, what are you going to do with your time off? Are you going to explore the ancient city buried deep beneath Antarctica? Are you going to broker a peace deal between Israel and Lebanon? Are you going to discover an endless, clean, easy source of energy?

Alas, no. Given my ever so short time away from work, I'm going to do many things, each of which much much more productive than wasting my time trying to better mankind.

So, what am I going to do, you ask? Well, here's what I have planned so far (in no particular order)

- Go camping and go on adventures with Brokebackette to meet white trash.
- Hound Jason endlessly until he finally gets fed up and creates the Doc Jigawatts poster he promised us.
- Purchase and train a puppy to carry out my plans for world domination, or at least, you know, so that it doesn't shit in the house.
- Watch the entire series of WKRP in Cincinnati.
- Learn to rollerblade.
- Kick a whole lot of terrorist ass in 24: The Game.
- Use my puppy to meet chicks.
- Find an authentic, maritime donair in Ottawa.
- Heal the scars and bruises that will inevitably be left once I once again try to learn to rollerblade.
- Drink. A lot.
- Blog the entire debacle.

That's right, I'm going to live(ish)blog my vacation... While you are all painfully toiling away at work, I'll be living the dream. Living the dream. So stay tuned sometime in the next couple of days, when I take over this blog, and it actually becomes worth reading.

Oh, and if you have any ideas of things I can do during my vacation, please, pass them on. I'll pretend to consider them before ridiculing and mocking you.

Well now, isn't that quaint. Lil Brokeback Jeff thinks he can just up and quit this blog. Well Brokeback, think again.

Just like the two gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain, it's as impossible for you to quit 3dg as it is for that gay cowboy to quit that other gay cowboy (What the hell? Two gay cowboys! Now yer jus talkin crazy!)

The scene plays out something like this:

***

[CUE THE MUZZZAK]

Brokebackette: Do you know somebody named 3dg?

Brokeback: We's was fishin buddies.

3dg: You know it could be like dis, like dis always.

Brokeback: It's nobody's biddness but ours.

3dg: I'm from the future. I came here in a time machine that you invented.

Brokeback: I wish I could quit you.

3dg: Yeah, well you can't. Get back on that typewriter, monkey!

***

You see, Brokeback, you can't quit because you never had the choice. You was enlisted, boy! Now, post something hilarious, or else...

What was the weather like on November 9, 1799

What was the score of the ball game on June 28, 1914?

What was on sale at the market on September 1, 1939?

I can’t answer these questions. But I can tell you that yesterday, it was a warm 28°C, the Red Sox lost 5-4, and watermelons were $3.99.

In fifty, a hundred, and two hundred years from now, people were care as little about those trivialities as we care about the price of grapes in Napoleonic times. Our children, grand children, and great-great grand children will read about this day, or rather, this time, with the same bored, teary eyes that we learned about the Persian wars, the crusades, and the Industrial Revolution, despite the enormous impact each of these events have had on the course of human history.

Now, I don’t mean to be a naysayer or a skeptic, and I definitely don’t want to seem overdramatic or as though I’m a fear monger, but we are witnessing living history, a moment in time that will forever shape the destiny of the entire planet. Dare I say it, we are living on the cusp of World War III.

The proof is all around us: Bombings in India; Israel invading Lebanon; North Korea testing missiles that can hit the US; Iraqi insurgents decimating American troops. The dominos are falling, and at the moment, there looks to be no way to stop them; no way to stop the house of cards from crumbling.

But who cares?

War, suffering, and tragedy has become little more than entertainment to those of us comfortably sitting at home, watching the thirty second news updates between uninspired performances on American Idol. We shake our heads in momentary disgust as we scan cbc.ca, and then we click on to see the latest pictures of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

After all, what can we do? How can we stop the suicide bomber walking into a café in Jerusalem? How can we stop the planes from dropping bombs on Palestine? How can we stop the missiles flying towards Japan?

But then again, why would we want to?

In North America, we have become complacent. War is entertainment; it doesn’t affect our lives. Sure, we may be inconvenienced by high gas prices, or added security at airports, but in the end, as long as our Tim Horton’s is hot, the internet is working, and there’s a new episode of Lost on, war is relegated to a small corner in the back of our minds.

I can’t help but wonder what our grandparents felt when Hitler invaded Poland and the world was suddenly thrown into another conflict? If I had to guess, I would say that my grandparents woke up, read the paper, shook their heads, and carried on about their everyday business. How could they know that within six years, sixty-two million people would be dead? Every small Newfoundland community lost at least one son to the terrible conflict that resonates through today; four out of every thousand Canadians fell on the battlefields of foreign soil.

But that was a different time. They were the Greatest Generation. They marched silently and without complaint into battle, and came home and rebuilt our nation. We honor these heroes, and thank them for their courage and their sacrifice. At least, we do on November 11. The rest of the year, we curse when a car with a poppy on the license plate cuts us off. Occasionally, we recognize their contribution to our world, but only barely. The nation cries outrage when a picture of three drunken revelers relieving themselves on our most sacred tribute to our heroes; we cry out for blood, but we are forgiving when one of the boys, full of tears, apologizes to veterans across Canada. We pat ourselves on the back for our devotion to those boys who gave their lives, and then we change the channel and watch reruns of Friends, satisfied that we have done our part.

In North America, we don’t believe in war. It’s not that we don’t recognize it exists, or that it has an impact on the world, it’s that we don’t understand it. We can’t appreciate the terror, the sacrifice, and the courage that is necessary in war. We watch Saving Private Ryan and Band of Brothers, and we say we understand. But how can we understand something so evil, so frightening, and so inhuman without ever experiencing it. Ask the families of Captain Nichola Goddard, Corporal Paul Davis, or Master Corporal Timothy Wilson if Stephen Spielberg really captured the true horror of war. As a nation we grieve for our lost soldiers, and then we turn on the hockey game.

We don’t care about war. As long as our status quo remains unaffected, why would we? Until it becomes real, we will never really care. Until the bodies of our heroic brothers and sisters and sons and daughters start filling the airports and each and every one of us knows someone who has served in Afghanistan, it will never be real. A wounded soldier here or a dead soldier there will be filed away in our collective memories, right there behind that head butting soccer player.

Of course, the World Cup is a better conversation piece than the warlords in Sudan. Nobody wants to talk about Chechen rebels unless Jack Bauer is in the same sentence. War is depressing. Sure, it exists, but as long as we don’t talk about it, it will never be real.

For years, I have wondered about my generation. Generation X, as is the accepted term. We’re the generation that came into awareness during the 80s. Overshadowed by the Baby Boomers, we have never felt a connection to our world. We watched the Berlin Wall fall down, but it was not our wall. We saw the Cold War end, but it was not our war. We have witnessed defining moments of the 20th century, but it was not our century. As a generation, we have been called lazy, apathetic, and shallow. The Baby Boomers built our society with their radical social protests of the sixties and seventies, and what did we do with that progress? We watched OJ Simpson in a white bronco. We watched the Monica Lewinksy Scandal. We watched MTV. The defining moment of our generation was the suicide of Kurt Cobain.

That is, until the morning of September 11, 2001. In an instant, our apathetic, materialistic, internet loving generation changed. For a few fleeting moments, we cared about more than our stock options and our email. We watched in terror, and asked how anyone could do such an inhuman thing. We cried and hugged our loved ones, and for just a fleeting moment, we were part of a truly global community. The terror that had otherwise been confined to the rest the world had suddenly sucker punched us, and we couldn’t breathe. For weeks, the sight of the towers collapsing remained fresh in our minds, and we gave our food and our money and our blood. “The terrorists will not win!” We declared.

The terrorists wanted to shake our culture, bring us to our knees. They wanted us to recognize them as a force to be reckoned with. They wanted to scare us. And for a time, they had. But today, barely five years later, it’s safe to say that the terrorists have not won. We watch American Idol every four months, and more of us vote for our favorite star than we do for our leaders. There is a war on terror, but for the average person, that war is nothing but an inconvenience; a footnote in the days events.

Outside of our secluded bubble, the world is falling apart, just as it did in 1799, 1914, and 1939. War is coming, but we don’t care. As long as our gas prices are somewhat reasonable and our internet is fast, who cares what happens in Asia, the Middle East, or Africa? Unfortunately, as to dot.com generation is painfully aware, bubbles burst, and when they do, the inevitable maelstrom of uncertainty comes rushing in.

We are products of the time we are living in, and we have grown up with the fall of communism and the rise of the internet. We live in a peaceful bliss because it’s what we know. Our apathy is our defining trait.

But as a generation, we have a responsibility to the future. Every generation has had it, and every generation has risen to the challenge. That responsibility is to protect our future before handing it off to the next generation. The Greatest Generation fought and stopped tyranny in its tracks. The Baby Boomers fought for equality and justice. And now we must also fight. We must fight for peace.

I don’t call on us to fight for peace by fighting wars. We must look for alternatives. Baby Boomers are still running our world, but we must stand up to them and say “these are your wars, we don’t want them.” We must stand together as a human race. As Christians and Muslims and Jews and Buddhists and Hindus and Atheists, we must stand up to the advancing tanks, and turn away the missiles, and convince the suicide bombers that life is preferable to death.

Let our generation be remembered not as those who fought and died in World War III, but rather let us be remembered as those who fought and stopped World War III.

Because yesterday, it was hot outside. Today, the Red Sox will lose again. And in a hundred years, watermelons will still be on sale.